Life feels like a marathon
where I no longer have it in me
to run.
Life feels like a marathon
where I no longer have it in me
to run.
Your eyes an intrusion
Sending shivers up my spine
Please don’t look my way
I’m monstrous tonight
With all these thoughts
Trapped inside my brain
Like Caterpillars trapped in purgatory
Never quite getting anywhere
Or past the realm of here
No catalyst for tears
I’ve tried talking therapies, just plain counselling none of which really worked on me. I was taught that the problem is thought patterns and thought loops that I get stuck into.
Meditation allows me to back away from the thought loops that can make depression harder to live with.
However, with meditation what it has taught me is that there is something much more to my despair than my thinking patterns. It’s worse than that. I feel despair without a thought, I can get to that mind space that is often called ‘the gap’ and all I feel within me is absaloute full to the brim of despair while simultaneously feeling empty. No thoughts to keep me there, just this feeling beyond words, beyond thoughts.
What i’m learning is that this is all hopeless.
I’m hopeless.
Anti-depressants don’t work much, therapy doesn’t work for me either and while meditation helps me to the degree that I can sit with the despair for longer rather than pacing, rather than ruminating I can sit with the despair with a sense of calm. Like i’m sat on a boat in the middle of a storm and there are surges of waves that are strong but I can just sit there as the wave cascade over me. But that has its limits, which I expect. Eventually it becomes more than I can take and all I can think is that I wish I could lay down and go to sleep and never wake up again.
I’m tired.
I don’t know why i’m Posting this other than to share my despair.
Which is ironic because I know how pointless everything is, including sharing this. Yet in this immediate moment this is what I feel like doing
It’s gonna be a slow day
I’m taking in the view
As if I’m still watching you
Because you’re the valve
That’s missing from my heart
And I need you
To put me in the wrong direction
So I can get high
And then fall back down to earth
Cuz right now I’m in limbo
And from this point of view
All I can see is you
And what I shouldn’t have said or done
I need a catalyst
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Melancholic, reminiscence
Bubbling on the rocks
Drink it in one swoop
Velvet heat down my throat
I’m no alcoholic
This is purely medicinal
Robbie Williams sings through the speakers
“I love my life, I am powerful, I am free”
Another swig
To swallow the bitter aftertaste
From the lack of ability
To agree.
I can’t let you bring me
back down
you don’t even try
just your words
your existence
makes me frown
it’s not that I’m angry
I’m not
I’m just full of fuck
and I’m trying to
get rid of the push and pull
factor
you are my resistance
to recovery
you are the insistence
I lack courage
You are the eyes
That say, “he can’t do this.”
You reflect
My own thoughts of me
I want to disappear
between the seams
Of reality and dream
I’m like a tattered teddy bear
Who needs stitching up
But a lot of my wounds
Can’t be seen
©Silverbackgorillapoetry 2016 July
Inhalation
White noise
Drowning
Life not built to last
White blinds
Dancing shadows
Ticking of the clock
White noise
Close my eyes
I’m gone.
©Silverbackgorillapoetry 2016 July