I will not linger in the storms you pass
That’s a lie, I know I will
all the signs are there
or rather torn apart
that you’ve been through
and I’m sick of you
because you leave carnage in your wake
some subtle some not so
and I always chase after these feelings
anger tinged with sadness
but I prefer the anger
till I do something rash
then I regret how I left myself
drifting in your storm
you cast a spell on my mind
treading through your footprints
knowing you’re always one step ahead
I can’t afford sympathy for you anymore
Probably neither the anger
but in your storms, I drift
and in my mind you fritter away my thoughts
I’ve seen a fair few films that all merge into one big reel so I can’t really go through film titles. And I’ve read a fair few books with this kind of narrative too.
The main character is relatable with their grumpiness (at least to me) they’re emotionally closed off, numb often depressed characters who push the other characters away…
One thing they all have in common is that they end with this:
The character realises they want to live and that they are learning to ‘enjoy life’ and be in the moment more. Tha’s not what leaves me wondering, ‘why the fuck?’ though, it’s this bit… They always come to a conclusion that they want to live life to the full and part of doing that is feeling EVERYTHING there is to be felt, including painful moments, loss, grief. Cue montage of them going through all the different feels from amazed, happy, grief-stricken, adrenaline rush, crying, laughing etc….
And all I can think is, Why? Why would you want to feel all there is to feel? Why? On what part of this god forsaking world would anyone in their right mind want to feel all the things there are to feel?!
Grief? Nah, let’s just skip that! Yea?
Let’s become a psychopath!
It’s now that I end this post saying: fuck life. And in the words of Donald Trump (probably) Fuck it biggly!
I’ll let the bull out of his cage
But you won’t like what’s been contained
All this time pacing between this space
And the time that’s accumulated all this rage
Little bombs waiting to be engaged
Trying to be a better man
Wearing the face of calm
With years of screams
Creasing the faces
Pulling lips open by the seams
When am I gonna learn
That keeping bulls in cages
Makes it worse
And like a porcelain doll
I am broken….
I am done.
Told myself I was okay
But now it’s too late in the day
To espouse such nonsense
When I know in my heart of hearts
I don’t want any of these things
Nothing. Not even the guitars
Or the TV.
I don’t want the music playing
In my ears
I just have it on for noise.
I don’t want any of this
I’m tired of life again. Or I’m tired of me. I feel a darkness surround me. Enveloping me. I don’t actively want to die, I just have a sense of hoping I might. It’s not the world is bad and people are bad or other such nonsense. It’s that I’m painfully indifferent to life. I don’t care if the sun is shining, or if something is just ‘wonderful’ I don’t care if it’s shit, or who is evil or who is not evil. I just don’t care because life is just a bleak blanket of useless nothing.