Films and books with emotionally numb characters

I’ve seen a fair few films that all merge into one big reel so I can’t really go through film titles. And I’ve read a fair few books with this kind of narrative too.

The main character is relatable with their grumpiness (at least to me) they’re emotionally closed off, numb often depressed characters who push the other characters away…

One thing they all have in common is that they end with this:

The character realises they want to live and that they are learning to ‘enjoy life’ and be in the moment more. Tha’s not what leaves me wondering, ‘why the fuck?’ though, it’s this bit… They always come to a conclusion that they want to live life to the full and part of doing that is feeling EVERYTHING there is to be felt, including painful moments, loss, grief. Cue montage of them going through all the different feels from amazed, happy, grief-stricken, adrenaline rush, crying, laughing etc….

And all I can think is, Why? Why would you want to feel all there is to feel? Why? On what part of this god forsaking world would anyone in their right mind want to feel all the things there are to feel?!


Grief? Nah, let’s just skip that! Yea?

Let’s become a psychopath!


It’s now that I end this post saying: fuck life. And in the words of Donald Trump (probably) Fuck it biggly!

The skeleton of prey

They laughed me out of my own body
they laughed me out of my mind
they pecked and pecked
and gobbled up all the parts of me
that left myself behind

They lit up and smoked me down
the butt of jokes fizzled out in ashtrays
poured down the drain
and through all this they bonded
a pack of wolves with their prey

tearing me apart piece by piece
and now the people stare at me
‘why can’t he be more like me?’

Because I am the decay
the left overs
from a feast
the skeleton of prey


The machine

I can’t bend into the shapes
the machine wants me to be
and I’m always coming back to this place
a conclusion
I am not strong enough
for the world, I am in
All the equations add up to this
ever trapped in what and who I am
and between what the world wants to see
the things reflected back to me
the reflections of all the types of men
I ought to be

Meditation teaches us to breathe and be
but breathing is the least of your worries
when you’re feeling like me
and I can only really breathe
when I’m safe from change and stress
so really I learn nothing
and all of this is just a waste of breath

I often wonder what relief it would have been
to have been left to die when I was a baby
instead of still learning how to fucking breathe.

I see the world ahead of me
and I don’t want to be a part of it
but the machine wants me



PAIN

The pain accelerates
no stepping back, no brakes
heart and lungs deflate
no words can translate
this suffering and hate
it’s just inside
aggravate
agitate

I’ve had these wounds so long
They’re antiquated
so I keep it all bottled up
it’s the same old, same old
and I know what comes
The accusations are sung
‘You don’t wanna try’
‘you can’t let go’

I can’t let go
I don’t know
Any other feeling
but this gaping fucking hole
deep inside of me
the abyss swallowed me
long ago
there was never anything
that could be left of me
cause I was never ever whole

The answer: White Noise.

When you ask me what I want, all i hear is white noise in my head. And it’s funny because if you hadn’t asked i’d be able to obscure the white noise with more white noise. But you insist on asking me what I want, or worse still, asking me what I want to do. And the answer is in the white noise. I don’t want to do anything. I think I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

Be an arsehole

I wish I could be an arsehole like you

not caring what others think

not giving any thought to what you do

but then sometimes I glimpse

that side of you

that maybe isn’t too bad

and then I hate it, because then I can’t remember

if I’m meant to feel sorry for you, or pissed off

and you’ve already taken too much sympathy from me

being angry at you feels better

because I can’t take the sorrow of it on my shoulders

so go and be an arsehole

so I can stop caring too.