I do better when it’s raining. When there is no contrast between what’s inside and whats outside. When the sun doesn’t cast such obvious shadow through the veils against the window. When the silence is filled with that white noise of rain pattering on the window like a friend knocking to check you’re still breathing. But today the sun is bright, and there is a ‘peaceful’ stillness to the day. A peace I can’t reconcile.
The sun reminds me I’m empty.
I turn my back to it and hate it for the heat upon my back. Nauseating.
It was better when the world was shadowed in winters black.
Dust motes glide in the split streams of light as people raise their arms over their heads in a colourful array of supposed dance moves. The music blasts and you can feel the bass vibrating through your bones.
I don’t know if their smiles are real, I project onto them the fakeness of my own smile.
I’m dancing along, and women are brushing against me. I’m acting like it’s the best night of my life. I’m looking around me at all these faces flashing different colours in the lights, and I’m thinking, ‘are you listening to the lyrics? “Please tell me why, oh tell me why do we build castles in the sky…” “Do you ever question your life?”‘ Why yes, yes I do I question it all the time. “I think it’s time to talk with you…..Where is the love?” These lyrics are so depressing can’t you hear them? I want to shake these people. They call it trance music, and it seems appropriate because they’re set in a trance dancing, moving their body like hypnotised robots. “Give me a reason, must be a reason to hold on to what we’ve got,” you’re still dancing, why? What I the reason, why are we holding on?
I’m spiralling. The music is too bright to lights to loud. Existential voices sing over beats that propose promise of a good time. My mind can’t get over the contradiction.
Greenlight, arms raised, purple, pose, red, pout those lips and move that butt. Do the robot. “I don’t wanna say I’m sorry, because I know there’s nothing wrong,” But there is!
“Hold me in your arms, cause I need you so.”
I rush out of the club and throw up in a side street. I can still hear the thump of every beat inside the building, feel it even.
“Don’t be afraid, there’s no need to worry…”
I go to a nearby carpark and climb till I reach the top floor. The music is blasting from across the road, the neon lights shining on the night.
I’m gonna jump.
I stand on the edge. I hear the beginnings of a song called ‘Children’ from across the road. I know they’re dancing in there like it doesn’t sound sad. It must be me and my perception. No. The world is lost and I’m drowning in an abyss.
I stand on the edge. The beat the music has gotten heavier. Like my heart.
That lingering tone behind the beat, behind the melody it reeks of sadness. Or am I just too sad to hear the happiness?
I’m dizzy from all the bouncing on the dance floor.
I lean forward and open my arms to the wind.
Close my eyes.
This is it.
Blue lights. Heavy heart.
Are those blue lights part of the club?
Sirens reach out like a hand over the music.
My hairs a mess and my palms are wet with sweat.
I feel like I’ve had an electrocution to the head.
“You don’t want to do this, son.” A male voice says behind me.
The music coming from the club speaks for me. But he doesn’t hear it’s sadness, he hears it as people having a good night.
Haul my ass out of bed
Forget last night
branded with its scars
a snarling monster in its cage
within the hearth of my heart
Snaking through the veins
till it’s tattooed on my arms
Folded into crazy homes
Frozen behind windows
Staring out, eerie eyes
Hazy behind rasping gusts of breath
Before curtains close
To hide this poverty
Brimming underneath the sounds of ordinary
A loud humming silence is brewing up a storm
a thirst the world could never quench
disturbing dusted ground
Shimmering lights and the creaking of lips
Forced into smiles
But it’s too late to be okay.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
But words will haunt me still
Ricocheting around my skull
Till thought is null
With only oughts to do
But no drive to pull them through
Living inside a skull
Inside a mind, inside a brain
Royally fucking screwed
We’ve all got strings
How did I know
It would end this way?
Bust a lip with black eyes
Packs of ice
Resting on my bones
Till another fight
When will my strings
Be played right
Trying not to be a victim
But I’m feeling dark tonight
One drink for the road
This road I’m on
Mustn’t lose my grip
On the wheel, heading through
A town I know will never heal