I wanted to be a pillar
Against all that can break
Steady against the waves
Without taking on the pain
Taking everything in my stride
Letting no harm pass
Into the crevices of my mind
I wanted to be the man
With that fierce mentality
Who knew all about brutality
While being one of the friendliest guys
You wouldn’t wanna get on the wrong side of him
But he’d sooner help you than get in a fight
I wanted to be that man
But I’m nothing
Without you by my side.
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Arms open wide
Feeling the air of resistance
Hearing the worlds whispers, I listen
Trying to understand existence
But she won’t tell me her secrets
The world and I no longer in allegiance
Feeling far away
Trying to rise again
Like a phoenix from the flames
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Hush these voices
Writing my days
Worry will etch lines on my face
As storms have prospered
And marked the earth
I need an ear that listens
But does not judge
As I erode and try to simply breathe
Dull this pain
And let my spirit soar
Before I become one with the dirt.
That feeling without the words
The thoughts entangled in it gone
The worlds madness
The breeze doesn’t seem
To touch you
In these moments
As if even the world is keeping
A little late today.
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Surrendering to this moment
In the haze of these platitudes
The sun brings out your optimism
But I’m not aboard your ship
I sink in all weathers
Storm or sun
Tidal wave or none
Chiseling away at my skin
While I curl as a boulder
And remain within till it’s over
Treading through my own disturbance
Your truism’s matter none
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I do better when it’s raining. When there is no contrast between what’s inside and whats outside. When the sun doesn’t cast such obvious shadow through the veils against the window. When the silence is filled with that white noise of rain pattering on the window like a friend knocking to check you’re still breathing. But today the sun is bright, and there is a ‘peaceful’ stillness to the day. A peace I can’t reconcile.
The sun reminds me I’m empty.
I turn my back to it and hate it for the heat upon my back. Nauseating.
It was better when the world was shadowed in winters black.
Dust motes glide in the split streams of light as people raise their arms over their heads in a colourful array of supposed dance moves. The music blasts and you can feel the bass vibrating through your bones.
I don’t know if their smiles are real, I project onto them the fakeness of my own smile.
I’m dancing along, and women are brushing against me. I’m acting like it’s the best night of my life. I’m looking around me at all these faces flashing different colours in the lights, and I’m thinking, ‘are you listening to the lyrics? “Please tell me why, oh tell me why do we build castles in the sky…” “Do you ever question your life?”‘ Why yes, yes I do I question it all the time. “I think it’s time to talk with you…..Where is the love?” These lyrics are so depressing can’t you hear them? I want to shake these people. They call it trance music, and it seems appropriate because they’re set in a trance dancing, moving their body like hypnotised robots. “Give me a reason, must be a reason to hold on to what we’ve got,” you’re still dancing, why? What I the reason, why are we holding on?
I’m spiralling. The music is too bright to lights to loud. Existential voices sing over beats that propose promise of a good time. My mind can’t get over the contradiction.
Greenlight, arms raised, purple, pose, red, pout those lips and move that butt. Do the robot. “I don’t wanna say I’m sorry, because I know there’s nothing wrong,” But there is!
“Hold me in your arms, cause I need you so.”
I rush out of the club and throw up in a side street. I can still hear the thump of every beat inside the building, feel it even.
“Don’t be afraid, there’s no need to worry…”
I go to a nearby carpark and climb till I reach the top floor. The music is blasting from across the road, the neon lights shining on the night.
I’m gonna jump.
I stand on the edge. I hear the beginnings of a song called ‘Children’ from across the road. I know they’re dancing in there like it doesn’t sound sad. It must be me and my perception. No. The world is lost and I’m drowning in an abyss.
I stand on the edge. The beat the music has gotten heavier. Like my heart.
That lingering tone behind the beat, behind the melody it reeks of sadness. Or am I just too sad to hear the happiness?
I’m dizzy from all the bouncing on the dance floor.
I lean forward and open my arms to the wind.
Close my eyes.
This is it.
Blue lights. Heavy heart.
Are those blue lights part of the club?
Sirens reach out like a hand over the music.
My hairs a mess and my palms are wet with sweat.
I feel like I’ve had an electrocution to the head.
“You don’t want to do this, son.” A male voice says behind me.
The music coming from the club speaks for me. But he doesn’t hear it’s sadness, he hears it as people having a good night.