Meditation diaries: Resistance really is futile

I have a lot of niggling anxieties echoing away inside my skull. I can quieten them for a bit, but they inevitably come back.

What I’m anxious about I can’t really do anything to change. It either will be or it won’t be what I want.
I’ve had this same anxiety before, in fact, it’s common for me every three months or so when I have to have blood checked and then repeated till they’re at a level the doctors are happy with. It’s the same game each time, yet the anxieties won’t go away. Each time I find myself thinking, “What if they don’t go back down?” Without going into too much detail, basically, I often get ‘high’ results for some bloodwork and then have to wait for it to lower before I can commence with further treatment for a health problem.

A more logical side of me counters that thought with, “It’s gone down all the other times.”
But of course, my anxious side answers that with, “But what if this is the time it doesn’t? Where does that leave me then?”

And I’ll attempt to resist that thought, that anxiety.

But something I keep learning and re-learning like I’m stuck in a cycle of knowing it, but yet not quite catching up to the knowledge, is that resistance often makes the thing you’re trying to resist worse.

Another familiar feeling I often find myself trying to resist is anger. I’m all too aware of the possible reasons someone may be ‘off’ or be behaving in a way that may be anti-social. I’m all too aware because sometimes I’m one of those people.
And for little irritating things someone has done that knowledge usually prevents much anger in the first place.

But what if I’m aware of the myriad of possible reasons someone is behaving ‘anti-social’, but it’s happening every month, week, every day? Eventually, I reach a threshold where knowledge of any possible reasons for the person behaving in such a way no longer matter.
Once I get there, I find it hard to filter any anger out through the knowledge, because damn it he/she has trodden on me just too many times now.
But because of that knowledge and actually despite appearing like I don’t have much empathy with others, I’m often overwhelmed by other peoples grievances. This makes me wish my anger away, becoming frustrated by my anger and soon rather than it being a case of “How dare he treat me this way,” It becomes, “How dare I be angry.”
But of course, this doesn’t stop me being angry if anything it builds it up even more until I end up frothing at the mouth in rage.

Another thing I try to resist is physical aches and pains only to find they somewhat ease themselves when I just lay down and let them ache and let the pain be there. I don’t usually just lay there with it till I’ve tired myself out from a frenzy and simply don’t have the energy to fight it.

So this week I’ve been trying not to resist things as much. Sometimes I find I’m actually resisting the idea of not resisting…

But once I’ve managed to get to that space where I’m not resistance, it’s like I feel a weight off my shoulders.
Sure the thoughts come back at some pain, the resistance comes back as it’s so automatic to resist, but once I recognise I’m resisting and let it go I do find I just kind of relax into the pain so that the pain no longer feels as much of a big deal.

I’m still struggling to apply to this anger though, and I find myself still beating myself up about any anger and then becoming more frustrated and angry as a result.

But I am more used to physical pain than anger, so I guess the anger and anxiety stuff will take longer to get used to. One thing I do know, from times I have managed to allow myself the anger or any other negative feeling for that matter, it eases it so I don’t feel as much of a need to act on it.

Which sounded counterintuitive to me when I first realised this idea of resistance making it worse. I always thought, and still struggle with this though, that if I don’t resist it, surely I’ll just act violently to the person I’m angry at?

But the opposite seems to be true, the more I resist, the more I oddly react. Like the act of resisting just causes a snowball effect till I can no longer control my impulse to scream, “YOU FUCKING TWAT!”

In not resisting the feeling, In telling myself I’m allowed to feel angry I find there is less of an impulse to act, therefore less need to resist acting out the feeling. That isn’t to say there isn’t a momentary impulse of shouting, “You fucking twat!” that you have to resist. But there seems to be a big difference between feeling angry and then thinking, “I’m so fucking pissed off right now! Damn it, don’t be so pissed off!” and feeling angry and then thinking, “I’m so fucking pissed off right now, and I’m allowed to be pissed off!”

Meditation Diaries: What does living in the moment really mean?

Something I still don’t understand about living in the moment. Say you’re Angry at someone and your knee jerk reaction (a knee jerk reaction by definition requires no thinking)! is to slam that fucker in the face, aren’t you technically living in the moment, isn’t this a moment when smashing him in the face is the ultimate act of living in the moment?

I mean you aren’t thinking about it, you aren’t considering the consequences whether they be positive or negative, you’re literally living in the moment and letting your body react without thinking, your Fist is at his face before you even consider anything. Surely nothing quite encapsulates living in the moment than that? Yet obviously this is not the good thing to do, and so we teach ourselves not to.

So all this living in the moment stuff, isn’t it actually not living in the moment?

Meditation diaries: What Meditation is teaching me about my depression

I’ve tried talking therapies, just plain counselling none of which really worked on me. I was taught that the problem is thought patterns and thought loops that I get stuck into.

Meditation allows me to back away from the thought loops that can make depression harder to live with.

However, with meditation what it has taught me is that there is something much more to my despair than my thinking patterns. It’s worse than that. I feel despair without a thought, I can get to that mind space that is often called ‘the gap’ and all I feel within me is absaloute full to the brim of despair while simultaneously feeling empty. No thoughts to keep me there, just this feeling beyond words, beyond thoughts.

What i’m learning is that this is all hopeless.

I’m hopeless.

Anti-depressants don’t work much, therapy doesn’t work for me either and while meditation helps me to the degree that I can sit with the despair for longer rather than pacing, rather than ruminating I can sit with the despair with a sense of calm. Like i’m sat on a boat in the middle of a storm and there are surges of waves that are strong but I can just sit there as the wave cascade over me. But that has its limits, which I expect. Eventually it becomes more than I can take and all I can think is that I wish I could lay down and go to sleep and never wake up again.

I’m tired.

I don’t know why i’m Posting this other than to share my despair.

Which is ironic because I know how pointless everything is, including sharing this. Yet in this immediate moment this is what I feel like doing

 

Lounging around with Matt Johnson the Gorilla: Amazon really does sell everything!

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Strange things that amazon has claimed to sell when on the google.

Do you like the smell of dead rats? Apparently Amazon has you covered:

What is funny about this one especially is that I had actually googled “Book smell.” Or something about searching for sprays or something that could provide that new book smell.
dead rat smell

Want a new heart? Amazon has just the thing for you!

Heart transplant

Is your heart too perfect? Want

Prime shipping

Or perhaps you’d like some new lungs?

Perhaps some new lungs

Got low heamoglobin? Buy some on amazon.

weird things you can buy

 
* note

All these were searched last year and I shared them with friends on facebook for shits and giggles. Now when I search these things these ads no longer come up. This makes me sad.

All these thoughts in my head.

You’ve made me into a person I don’t recognise
And I can’t remember who I was before
I just read previous enteries in my journals
And see someone elses writing
I think you killed him
I’ve had versions of me killed before
And when I think I’ve started to become someone again
You rub more salt in the still open wound
And I find myself losing sight of a self again
It hurts too much
And it feels pathetic
To hurt so much because of someone like you
I wish I was stronger
That pillar of strength I always used to talk about.
The man with a steady walk extending to steady mind
A man you could imagine in suit and tie
Even when wearing jogging pants
Because he just oozes that grace
Of a man who knows he’s found his own way
I think of this, until i remember that analogy in my head
Of ties being like nooses around downtrodden, broken men
I’ve got no use trying to look like a buisness man
And I’m angry and like a dog with a bone
I just can’t let these things go
You’re the tie around my neck
A noose that goes unchecked
And they all think I’ll be okay
Its all about keeping you quiet for just one day
To them
They don’t care
About what they don’t see
Inside my head
Like a damp cellar
No one goes into
All the while the monster is growing
And one day soon
He’s going to break out
I can feel it
But I know I’ll be his first victim.

Homo sapiens should change their name

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As i walk among you hairless apes (you’re not actually hairless though) I come to realise you have been classified wrong as Homo sapiens.

Homo (man) Sapiens (wise)

But you’re hardly wise. And I got a much more fitting name for you Homo Contradictus

For what I have noticed is that you’re all walking contradictions.

Oh don’t shoot me, I’m a walking contradiction too. But I’m a gorilla and haven’t been named as the ‘wise’ ones.

Enjoy your new species name, it fits better.