mental illness

Slow NaPoWriMo poem 15

Matt JohnsonLeave a comment

Slow down the haste
I’m falling in outta space
With infinite thoughts

Bring me back down to earth
Everything hurts
I’m going out of my mind
All the stars are watching

I want to take a drive
Around the corner
Too much too fast
Full throttle, no breaks
Take my turmoil
And take me out
Of this rat race
I was always outpaced
Cant keep up
When you never wanted to anyway

My hands in the dirt
Anchor me to the earth
All this pain
growing seeds of doubt
And the wind spreads it
on open fields
Where all the darkest secrets
Are kept

Slow down the haste
Slow down the pace
Slow down the haste
Slow me to the moment
Slow me down
to this moment
Anchor my feet to the ground
Slow down my….
haste………

The lady in the black

Matt JohnsonLeave a comment

Still… I sit
Against the wind

And I wish I could
Sit against it all
Water off a ducks back

Withstand every fall
Without falling to the black

But the whispers of the dark
Always beckon me back

And I know her well
So I’m always one word away
From being under her spell

I’ve tried meditation
All the fucking medication
Tried to find my philosophy

But I always come back
To the lady in the black

A blade on the skin
Feels better than the happiness
That never seems to sink in
Or the confidence
That never existed from within

Shedding skin
Till I’m nothing
It’s the only thing
That I find comforting
When the lady in black
Finds me running back



I just sat

Matt Johnson1 Comment

I sat outside till the midges started to bite. I just sat.

Do you know what it feels like to feel like your drowning on air?

I rely on others to care about me, in a world that doesn’t care.

So I sat. And I tried not to think I’m an idiot. But I did, I slapped my forehead and said “you’re a fucking idiot” and I think the cat across the road might agree. I considered just staying there, sleeping on the bench.

I walked out the other night to distract myself from the S word. I’m restless. It was about 11:00 pm. I prefer being outside at night, i oddly feel safer. A guy walked down the road just before you turn to the block of flats, and I don’t know what was up with him but….it explained why it was a windless night. Because he seemed to have to all the wind coming out of his arse. He was farting really loudly as he walked along, hell they sounded like he possibly followed through. I don’t think he noticed someone was actually outside at that time to witness it….

It hurts when you realise you’re alone in this world.