Left me blue

Throwback Thursday

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I don’t want to let you go
I want to float away with you
I want to go into oblivion too
My identity insists on you

I can still hear your footsteps echoing
I’m trying to reconstruct these memories
Sharp as razor edges, broken in pieces

I’m trying to find our reflection
But all I see is a stranger fading from me
Your face began to wane
And now you look like anyone

And I’m afraid
Because though you’re slipping away
I’ve left a part of me too
And it’ll always be with you
But all you left me
Were different shades of blue

2014-2015 (c)

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Throwback Thursday

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Burdened with this
The bull will run
Going head first
The blood will come

Running with this
The world will rain
Hurting, we bleed
The storm will reign

Upon us
This mercy
The needle to our veins
And when we wake up
The warriors in us
Will have been slain

© 2015

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My truths

Throwback Thursdays.

Written in 2016.

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I’m a master baiter
Got you hook line and sinker
Even though you think yourself a free thinker
But one smile and virtue signalled
And you’re all over the advertisement
Approving of my blemished truths
Trusting me not to be uncouth
Thinking I should sell myself and my cure
On business cards stuck in telephone booths
Talking my lines down the wires
To ears undisturbed by my truths

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My mouth is a carwash

When you’re brushing your teeth, do you imagine your teeth are cars in a car wash?

Because I do.

I imagine people sat in the cars rolling their eyes when they think the car wash is over… But wait! Nope, it’s not finished. It compels me to do a very thorough clean because the thought of them rolling their eyes as more froth comes upon them amuses me.

And then I imagine them breathing a sigh of relief and thinking, “It’s finally over!” and ready to put their engines back on. But they see the lights that tell them when they can leave still haven’t changed from red. So they stare at the light, “Come on!” Their knuckles going white with impatience. But then they get another assault with mouthwash now, a gargle and then the rinse after.

In the end, they have really pristine cars. But the drivers are initially too pissed off at the amount of time it takes as they know they pressed the button that said, “QUICK WASH,” which is cheaper than the deluxe wash. And they drive away wondering what the luxurious wash must consist of if the one they’ve just been through was the quick one!


I’m not typical
certainly not biblical
though my name suggests miracles
I like to think my faults are forgivable
But that only seems to make my rage more formidable
I am hardly statistical
I can find myself in numbers
Maybe I am mythical
The pinnacle of invisible
My evidence not admissible
I was born cynical
Or, difficult?
Sometimes my thoughts are unthinkable
I’m always at the periphery of transitional
Lost in the middle…

I, The consumer



“It’s a happy pursuit, the inscription of oneself” – Dr Haggard from Dr Haggard’s disease by Patrick Mcgrath 

When I hear humans describe ‘consumerism’, I imagine nostrils flaring as things get sucked as they inhale and consume.

Such an ugly word Consumerism. Yet I guess it’s an appropriate term. The idea of being a ‘consumer’ consumes me with repulsion.

I picture plastic bottles being squeezed in sync with a human sigh of desperation for more.

I went through a phase where I’d listen to podcasts about topics that essentially amounted to the politics of consumerism and ‘consumerist’ rights. I always felt a twinge of discomfort when I heard them say the words, “We the consumers”, or “Our consumerist rights” because all that played in my imagination was a reel where peoples nostrils opened up and consumed without thought.

The irony is that by listening to a podcast about these things, I was consuming media they produced and so my own nostrils were doing the same thing.

And that is what repulses me the most in the end, that no matter how much I hate the idea, I am a consumer! What I’ve often found ironic about people like myself who shit on the idea of so-called ‘consumerism’ is that we’re often just as much a consumer as everyone else. You see it behind these peoples back on their youtube videos while they talk about the ills of society and this wretched world of the constant need for ‘goods’.Yet behind them, they’ll have a mess of nonsense stuff that comes to no use whatsoever other than for aesthetic purposes.
But perhaps I’m expecting too much on the part of people who see the ills of this world while also taking part in it.

It’s something I find myself doing a lot when on the youtubes. I find it absolutely fascinating to see the interior of the room they’re filming in, the objects they have on their shelves and the things they have hung on their walls. Some of them like to make it appear as if they just simply put their camera on and roll with it, but I suspect even they take some care as to what can be seen in the background.

To some extent, i guess I idealise the idea of merely leaving society and going off-grid, living in a log cabin and ultimately having that self-sufficiency to survive on one’s own without help.
Unfortunately, I’m not deluded enough to believe I could manage this feat. The woods aren’t wheelchair friendly for one, or very friendly to anyone who uses walking aids for that matter, not to mention all the medication I need just to be alive.

I guess I am just another consumer after all.