The calm has gone
but I’m not ready to let go
of the abyss that fills me up
you tried to fix a man
who didn’t want to be fixed
I am a radioactive ecosystem of refuse
they say forgiveness is the balm for anger
but my heart isn’t in it
I just don’t feel it
My writing isn’t the same as it used to be.
I’m just not good at it anymore.
I tried honing on on my wildlife photography skills but that isn’t working out either because it’s an impractical hobby to have when you can only walk short distances and need a wheelchair.
I have nothing left in me to give. And I never gave that much in the first place.
I want to throw everything around me and smash everything to pieces.
In trying to resist temptation the more tempted I become
The same is true of anger. The more I resist my anger, the angrier I become.
I’m still to find the balance with letting them off the leash for a little run without having them run too far or too little!
Don’t point those words at me
Looking at the barrel of the gun
You hold against me
I see the chamber is empty
You think it’s full, it’s in your eyes
Your eyes ablaze with belligerence
Thinking you know me
When you don’t know the difference
Between the group you lumped me in
And the person I’ve always been
You only see the illusion you want to see
I’m as visible as any other kind
But you’ve put me in the shadows
Because then it’s easier on your mind
I don’t have room for sympathy
It’s been torture
All these times going round my head
Through cycles of anger and apologetic sorrow
I can’t do it anymore
Not today, not tomorrow
I cared too much
And you walk over me like I’m dirt on your shoe
I’m supposed to feel for you
“He’s ill” they say
Well, I can’t care anymore!
Get the fuck away!
GET THE FUCK AWAY