It’s not secret on this blog that Depression takes me over a lot.
That my depression is a chronic reoccurring nightmare that not only tires me, but the people around me too.
Perhaps last year and still through to this year one major reason for such severe blips lately is the delayed impact of losing my best friend in January 2020 .
Yes she was ‘only a little budgie’ but she wasn’t ‘only a little budgie’ to me.
It didn’t help that I didn’t lose her in the usual way either. I lost her due to my own mistake, and that is something I find very hard to live with.
As it is I’m already a person prone to guilt, never mind a mistake where a little innocent life was ruined, or ended because of a mistake I made in the first place.
I had a dream last night that she came back home and then I lost he all over again, and throughout the whole dream I just kept hearing her calls but yet never finding where the calls were coming from.
And I’ve done that in real life too. I’ve heard calls I thought were her.
I’ve sat in the bathroom brushing my teeth and heard a call that sounded like it was coming from behind the extractor fan grid.
I’ve heard calls when walking out into the corridor from my flat.
I’ve heard calls I thought sounded like her when outside but it was probably just another bird that sounded a bit like her. Or maybe she sounded like them.
I see feathers from different birds that have been either moulted or stripped off from a predator and I always stop in my tracks and look more closely, looking for her blue colour in the feather.
Sometimes I see the blue colour and then I look around and say, ‘Charlie?’ As if the feather is hers and she’s somewhere close by.
But she’s never there. She’s never here.
Sometimes I look down at a feather for a bit too long, in the way of someone trying to get past me while keeping a distance.
I look and look, and look some more till I convince myself I see blue, her blue. And it’s hers.
But it isn’t.
Sometimes I look at the feather, look around and then say aloud, ‘I’m sorry, Charlie.’
It might have been a mistake, but I still blame myself.
It might not have been purposeful, but I still blame myself.
And I don’t know if there will ever come a time I won’t blame myself.
I have a budgie I ended up rescuing, he has learnt some funny phrases. And it makes me laugh.
But I still
Blame
Myself.
loss
Sadness like an unquenchable thirst
Our skin has been shed
outside renewed
this is how it accumulates
like dust on books
inside all the days
and years spread
and every time we scream
it’s wasted breath
because in our voice
our sadness can’t be contained
It simply runs wild
Within our veins
too powerful for outside
Much too strong for us inside
The tears are never enough
for the accidental goodbyes
the shock & horror
always there, always filling lungs with empty
This is how it accumulates
Till we’re undone
one with the dirt
no more synapses producing hurt
Life. We mourn.
Life.
A catalyst for loss.
All said
We’re trinkets of absences
Trying to remember
Those we mourn
Another one on Absence
Your absence rings
In my ears
As if
Every voice
Not yours
Is a gunshot
Reverberating
In my skull
Your absence lingers
In every musical interval
As if
Every note
Sustains your existence
Behind my eyes
Yet my mind’s eye
Continues to blur you
As if you’re fading, still
Not quite a ghost, but not quite true
A shadow
I must hold onto.
Absence
As the orchestra plays it’s song
your absence is in every note
your absence is in every tone
You’ve become the music
Something I can’t touch
The music is the memory
Of you being here with me
And it hurts.
You were so small
And the biggest thing in my life
Now your absence follows me
I am not the same.
I cannot carry this burden
But I will not let you go
Your absence is all I have left to hold
Splinter
That day is a shard of time
A splinter in the heart
Rain
My emptiness is full tonight
As the sun sets just out of sight
I picture you coming home
But it’s too late
No time for goodbyes
Gone in the blink of an eye
And the sky doesn’t care
Cause the clouds aren’t here
Raining like it ought to be
Heavy breath full of empty
It’s hard to breathe
When you can see
The world is continuing
Without you
And my world is nothing
Cause it revolved around you
I want the rain
Raining over me
Dilute these tears
Before I disintegrate
I want the rain
Let it rain over me
It’s not raining like it ought to be
I carry you under the sun
Your absence gets heavier
In the sun
I need to go somewhere dark
To let this burden go
From my heart
But I don’t want to say goodbye
So I carry you
Under the sun
Time fills the season
But I’m all out of reasons
I’m a tree that never recovered
From the fall
So I carry you
under the sun
I’ll always carry you
Under the sun
Time is indifferent.
I resent how time
Doesn’t stop
When all should be still
To remember you
I resent how breaths
Can be seen in the cold
Life continuing
As if to be so bold
Like you were never even here
How the wind howls against the windows
As if to threaten to shatter warmth
Even though I’m already cold
As I imagine you are, somewhere out there
Cold, and already so old
As if time hastened its arrival
Letting you go
So chronologically young.
Heartbroken: sorry
Send a message to the world
Whisper in her ears
Let my care for her be heard
I need her to know
She’s my best friend
And i’m so sad to see her go
Send a message to the world
Let her know i’m looking out for her
Tell her that even though i’m not there
I will always care
And if I could, i’d be everywhere
Just so I could be with her.
Send a message to the world
I’m sorry for how we parted
Tell her, I love her.
