depression

In the process of collapse

MattLeave a comment

Slowing down

taking everything with ease

its all what it is

as free as the breeze….

fuuuuuckkkk

the stresses have got so that

i can’t tell what stresses they are

no words I can attach to them

they’re just there, floating around my head

rock back and forth, that always soothes me

nope not today

nothing works.

 

Breathe. Fucking breathe

or maybe if I just….

put my head under the water

and fall asleep

and oops

all stresses are gone.

 

Restricted

by by these thoughts

conflicted

what’s real what’s not

 

hello?

Maybe if I just….

lost my trail of thought

hello?

Is there anybody in there?

I know this building (me)

is in the process of coming to pieces

I’m trying to rescue you

hello? Is anyone there?

I’m trying to get you out before the ruin

 

torch light shining on the walls

they’re damp

and stained with blood

the upper roof has crashed in

wont be long now

this building is collapsing

can’t get to the heart of it

that will have to wait till the pieces have been collected

after the fall

this is place is gonna be derelict

for a while

forever if forgotten.

The fuck

Matt3 Comments

These are no thoughts
I can put a pencil to
I’m not sure I’m even thinking anymore
I’m just feeling things
Bad things
I thought I was thinking
For a moment
Only to find my mind was blank of words
And that my only thought was
“Where have all my thoughts gone”

I can’t describe to you
Why I feel the way I do
Because I have no thoughts
Attached to them anymore
I’m just walking around in a daze
Restless, but I don’t know why
Each moment I remember in a haze
Going outside at the crack of dawn
And back out every moment
And why? Fuck knows why
I feel like I want to cry
But I don’t even have tears
Guess even my rivers can run dry

I have nothing to say
It isn’t this and it isn’t that
Don’t you get it?

I can’t read anymore
Because the words just….
What? I can’t even remember that thought

Bereavement counselling?
No.
Loss is the last of my worries
Or is it
Fuck I don’t even know

I sit and you think I’m okay
He’s trying right
Cuz he’s sitting with us now
That’s what they think
That’s what I want them to think
But I’m not sure

Fuck it. Fuck what?
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.fuck.
Fuck.

I think fuck might just be my only thought
Just a row of fucks
Though I’m not sure what fucks they are
If they’re given or received
If it’s that chilled ‘fuck it, man”
Or that agitated ‘FUCK’ screaming

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck

I drowning without flailing
Or maybe I am
But you can’t tell
No one can tell
No. I’m all alone in my own hell

And you all talk
Outside of me
And I just nod and speak words back
Like “yea” “no”
All the necessities
Of polite
But I’m not really sure I’m here
Or there
Or… Anywhere.

Oh fuck.
What will it take to make you realise
To the extent at which I have drowned.

Fuck. Fucking fuck, fuckity fuck
Jesus.

Hello?
You know what
I want to reach out
But I don’t
Cuz there is nothing
Anyone can say
Doesn’t matter who you are

FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.

Shit. What the fuck
I’m so confused

I’m all alone
No one can reach me
I can’t even reach myself

It’s 1 am. I think I might just go
And sit back out.

I just sat

Matt1 Comment

I sat outside till the midges started to bite. I just sat.

Do you know what it feels like to feel like your drowning on air?

I rely on others to care about me, in a world that doesn’t care.

So I sat. And I tried not to think I’m an idiot. But I did, I slapped my forehead and said “you’re a fucking idiot” and I think the cat across the road might agree. I considered just staying there, sleeping on the bench.

I walked out the other night to distract myself from the S word. I’m restless. It was about 11:00 pm. I prefer being outside at night, i oddly feel safer. A guy walked down the road just before you turn to the block of flats, and I don’t know what was up with him but….it explained why it was a windless night. Because he seemed to have to all the wind coming out of his arse. He was farting really loudly as he walked along, hell they sounded like he possibly followed through. I don’t think he noticed someone was actually outside at that time to witness it….

It hurts when you realise you’re alone in this world.

How men are made

MattLeave a comment

Boys dropped out of school
Gloom broadcast on their faces
Old exuberance long gone
Weathered and worn

Stubbing cigarettes
Under ill-fitting shoes
Ducking from another punch
Milling about
Fists swung in anger

Another blow meticulously swayed
Newsboys dressed in flatcaps
& plaid
Another fight from hanging on
Around street corners too late

Suited up going to fathers funerals
Sunglasses to hide eyes ablaze
With fury and sadness
Cigarette butts stubbed out
Along with their secrets

And they’ll tell ‘em
That this is how men are made

(C) 2016 March

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Pressure

MattLeave a comment

The tension
is in the sound
Of car doors closing
Of wheels stirring
The wind whirring

The strain
Is in sirens blaring
Flashing lights flaring
The tired eyes staring

The constriction
Is in the sound
Of coffee mugs
Dripping taps
The silent gaps

The binding
Is in the whirlpool
Of silky smooth tea
The steam that rises
Clearing our sinuses

The squeeze
Is in the formation
Of language
Trying to display
This anguish

The choking
Is in the tears
Of throats narrowing
Alienated from the world
Detached, harrowing

Severed ties
With humanity
Twice removed
From our sanity.

(C) 2016 Feb

Sickness consumes my days

MattLeave a comment

Nausea is consuming my days. I can’t eat and I can’t not eat. I can’t do a damn thing. It just happens every single fucking day. It’s a really niggling sickness that feels like it’s right the depths of my stomach. I come online between the waves of it, when it feels a little less niggling. It gets to to be i feel so bad I’m literally trembling with what feels like a massive surge of absaloute weakness taking on all my limbs, especially my legs.

Fuck. I feel like giving up my meds to see if one of them is irritating my stomach. But can I even deal with what would come from not taking them?

I’m getting close to giving up my anti-depressants. Yea you think i’m miserable git on them? wooooahhh boy you wanna see me off them. Seriously.