The fuck

These are no thoughts
I can put a pencil to
I’m not sure I’m even thinking anymore
I’m just feeling things
Bad things
I thought I was thinking
For a moment
Only to find my mind was blank of words
And that my only thought was
“Where have all my thoughts gone”

I can’t describe to you
Why I feel the way I do
Because I have no thoughts
Attached to them anymore
I’m just walking around in a daze
Restless, but I don’t know why
Each moment I remember in a haze
Going outside at the crack of dawn
And back out every moment
And why? Fuck knows why
I feel like I want to cry
But I don’t even have tears
Guess even my rivers can run dry

I have nothing to say
It isn’t this and it isn’t that
Don’t you get it?

I can’t read anymore
Because the words just….
What? I can’t even remember that thought

Bereavement counselling?
No.
Loss is the last of my worries
Or is it
Fuck I don’t even know

I sit and you think I’m okay
He’s trying right
Cuz he’s sitting with us now
That’s what they think
That’s what I want them to think
But I’m not sure

Fuck it. Fuck what?
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.fuck.
Fuck.

I think fuck might just be my only thought
Just a row of fucks
Though I’m not sure what fucks they are
If they’re given or received
If it’s that chilled ‘fuck it, man”
Or that agitated ‘FUCK’ screaming

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck

I drowning without flailing
Or maybe I am
But you can’t tell
No one can tell
No. I’m all alone in my own hell

And you all talk
Outside of me
And I just nod and speak words back
Like “yea” “no”
All the necessities
Of polite
But I’m not really sure I’m here
Or there
Or… Anywhere.

Oh fuck.
What will it take to make you realise
To the extent at which I have drowned.

Fuck. Fucking fuck, fuckity fuck
Jesus.

Hello?
You know what
I want to reach out
But I don’t
Cuz there is nothing
Anyone can say
Doesn’t matter who you are

FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.

Shit. What the fuck
I’m so confused

I’m all alone
No one can reach me
I can’t even reach myself

It’s 1 am. I think I might just go
And sit back out.

3 thoughts on “The fuck

  1. rachel July 19, 2016 / 1:46 am

    i’m thinking about you. just quietly listening. xo

    Like

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