suicidal thoughts

I look to the eye of the storm

MattLeave a comment

I look to the eye of the storm
Testing my nerves
Trying to be reborn
Do I take the blade
Or do I preserve
Praying to no one
Asking if I can put my life on reserve
Save me a seat

Which way to pull the trigger?
Do I wrap life around my middle finger
A fuck you to the mirror?
Put on my best suit
Stand tall and deliver
Grinning from ear to ear
When they shake my hand and say “Thank you, Mister”
Or do I turn the lights down
Bow out
Deliver my last will
Drinking liquor to wash down the pills
Forever relapsing
Spending years out of action
And with all these waves crashing
I don’t know which way to turn
Without collapsing

And, I’m looking into the eye of the storm
Testing my nerves
Trying to be reborn.

© June 2016

I just sat

Matt1 Comment

I sat outside till the midges started to bite. I just sat.

Do you know what it feels like to feel like your drowning on air?

I rely on others to care about me, in a world that doesn’t care.

So I sat. And I tried not to think I’m an idiot. But I did, I slapped my forehead and said “you’re a fucking idiot” and I think the cat across the road might agree. I considered just staying there, sleeping on the bench.

I walked out the other night to distract myself from the S word. I’m restless. It was about 11:00 pm. I prefer being outside at night, i oddly feel safer. A guy walked down the road just before you turn to the block of flats, and I don’t know what was up with him but….it explained why it was a windless night. Because he seemed to have to all the wind coming out of his arse. He was farting really loudly as he walked along, hell they sounded like he possibly followed through. I don’t think he noticed someone was actually outside at that time to witness it….

It hurts when you realise you’re alone in this world.

Mechanical death

MattLeave a comment

Like a body just awakened
In his tomb

In the stillness of the night
My dust coated eyes
Open wide

In the silence of the dark
My sewn lips come undone
The stillness of my heart
Suddenly it beats like a drum

When I blink
My eyes creak
That’s how long it’s been
When I open my cracked lips
My tongue nearly falls off its hinge

Like a toy they can wind
The mechanisms in my mind
The gears begin turning
Behind my doll like eyes
Eternity is burning

And once again
I burden the world
With yet another breath
Just when nature
Thought it had seen to my death

©

Written in 2014 Posted on previous blog