Who am I now? NaPoWriMo poem 5

If I could start again on this carousel ride
I’d tell you to fuck off before you got into my mind
But here you are living rent free
On this empty landscape of mine

Not even useful like a weed
You’re just invasive
Scarring my heart
As you till and dig the dirt
Agitating every part of me

Growing your narcissistic supply
Killing all that was native in me
Sometimes I wonder aloud
‘Who am I? Who am I now?’ 

Poem written ‘off the cuff’ ‘in the moment’ for poem 3 NaPoWriMo

You tell her she’s butchered her body
Without regard for compassion
Though you say it’s from that place
you say your words
Even though they’re said in haste
Without a thought to the hurt you place
Upon another’s shoulders
All because you don’t understand their way

You say you don’t hate
You just don’t see her how she says
And you will bend at the whim
Of your own emotional reaction
While saying facts don’t care about feelings
But neither does her dysphoria care about yours
So fuck your hate
And shove it up your arse
Those feelings are your own to contemplate

Blue sirens and yellow daffodils. #NaPoWriMo poem 1

Blue sirens
Blue lights smother the sky
Urgency is calling
999

Mouth agape
Heart falling apart
Memories whiz by
In the taillights

Mourning rises
Flowers point to the sun.
As if the world didn’t stop
The night it went wrong

Daffodils dare to live
In front of you
Yellow and bold

Confronting you
Defying all breath
heavily exhaled from your lungs

How come life carries on
After she’s gone?

The savageness of being human

A contortion of years
Pass by on faces
For milliseconds at a time

Frankenstein’s skeletons within
Gargoyles screaming
Through the pores of our skin

Stories running through the wrinkles
Harbouring humour
Creasing at the thought of those we’ve lost

Skin sagging with the baggage
Being human
Consciousness a savage

Wreaking havoc
On our mammalian brains

Tying ourselves in knots

Tying ourselves in knots
with words
While trying to be inclusive
becoming more exclusive
The internet a reflection of autism
Too many ideas at once
All filters gone
becoming more confused
Stuck on one
One becomes none Because too much at once
One becomes millions
of one repeated in different words
till the linguistic game
evolves beyond this world
One becoming millions
that may as well be none
Because it’s all too much
to act upon.


*The use of the word ‘Autism’ is not meant in a derogatory way, merely an expression of recognition that what I see happening in the confusing chaos of the social media websites on the internet remind me of my own symptoms of Autism and how my thoughts can spin and spin, and spin and become stuck in cycles.
And the symptoms of too much information and stimulation at once, though it takes less than the amount we can find online to cause derailment of the mind, the symptoms of the derailment of conversations and peoples minds online mirrors my own experience with Autism with every day things and I notice it online all the time.

Language as a microscope

The human is a contortionist
Bending and folding into boxes
Dissecting the world into words
Trying to communicate to…
Who? no one really knows
We just do it because we do

And in our prisms
With ink spilled
With erroneous conclusions to come to
we share a shared unknowledge that we are not who we are
but some other

Becoming restless
We all conclude
We should go ‘back’
Whatever that means
As if we left somewhere

When we get back to nature
It is said
We will understand

To which I must ask
When do you claim we left
That to which we are intrinsically attached?
It’s the words we use that built these walls

Language, a microscope to help communicate
About the world
But we forgot to step back from the scope
And see we are within
all the things we point to ‘out there.’



Shame

I utter the word ‘hello,’
And reddened in the face
You look away
Hands in pockets
Lips a tight line
Containing a smirk
That’s for me, only mine

I know not what was said or done
But your embarrassment is palpable
I guess, I must be in the wrong
Later it will come to light
The tone of my voice wasn’t right
Or the way I stood or looked down
Or it was the way words sound
When coming out of my mouth

And the bashfulness on your face
Communicates to everyone
And like a virus it infects them all
Permeates the air
And I become
The cigarette end of jokes

And I, left in the ruins
Become the ash
Greyed and cemented
Into shame