Melancholic, reminiscence
Bubbling on the rocks
Drink it in one swoop
Velvet heat down my throat
I’m no alcoholic
This is purely medicinal
Robbie Williams sings through the speakers
“I love my life, I am powerful, I am free”
Another swig
To swallow the bitter aftertaste
From the lack of ability
To agree.
depression
battle
I want to be like my granddad
not this on edge battle
constantly within
I want to be one of those men
who is calm and collected
even through adversity
but my brain works out of sync
with my wishes
and instead I’m constantly
wound to the highest of settings
looking over my shoulder
always expecting the worse
and making myself grieve
before any news has even been heard
I put myself through the ringer
always churning out anxious messes
I think I might just have enough of this
fucked up shit in my mind
that had I been born in a different time
i’d have been institutionalised
and sometimes I think maybe
it’d be easier
in a straitjacket
to save myself from this responsibility
of being a fully fledged human
i’ve got these contradicting sides
of me, arguing.
one side says I want to be a self sufficient man
but that despite that want, I don’t think that I can
and another side of me wants to run away
or maybe just induce myself into a coma
and never wake
No place here
I
feel my lack of place
In this world
Expanding with every breath
Dead end
The lights keep me company
Reminding me of eternal darkness
Inside
Indicating to turn left
A dead end street
Those minor notes
Ring in harmony
With the static, on my mind
Why I love rain
My pain is the silent kind
Slowly rolling the marbles
In empty spaces in my mind
The kind of pain that asks for scars
To show for it
While hiding behind a mask
It’s that slow searing pain
That comfort is sought in silence
Standing in the rain
So that the drops can mingle with the tears
I’m too afraid to name
And I can laugh while they fall
And no one will notice at all
Rain becomes my shroud
My sanctuary
My moment to suffer visibly
But while others still can’t see
Nightmare mirror
Arms burst through the bed
And pulled me under
I gasped for breath
As I came to a place
Where I didn’t wear this face
Just a toothless grin
That resembled no name
Juggling nightmares
Through the looking glass
I was a prisoner
A monstrous clown
A widower
A beast of silent horrors
Becoming a Munch painting
In the mirror
Rewritten: Birds of wisdom
At the crack of dawn, he always wakes me up! “Look, Blake, I don’t want to wake up with Dawn’s arse crack in my face!” that’s how I sometimes respond, referring to the earliness of the hour. Bloody Dawn, she orchestrates a choir much too early for me come spring! But no, not for Blake. He’s up and ready, shaking me in the bed like, “Wakey, wakey! Rise and shine!” He opens the curtains revealing Dawn’s crack.
“It’s the best time to see all that life!” he beams and kisses me on the forehead. He’ll insist on going for a walk, he loves walking. But, let me make one thing clear about Blake, he walks like he’s floating. I don’t know what he does, but it’s like the land responds to his quiet step, and he tames it. The wildlife responds much the same way, for example, squirrels don’t chatter nervously and shake their bushy tails ready to pounce and run off up the trees. No, it’s like as Blake approaches the squirrel somehow knows, ‘he’s not threat to me, he’s a dear friend.’ The birds know it too, they don’t go off in a sudden flurry of flight. Sometimes he’s stopped walking, and I have continued on in my own world only to find him missing from my side when I turn around he’s stood there shaking his head and laughing at my ignorance.
“You had the chance to see so much life!” He’ll say walking or floating as he does towards me, “You’re what I call a bird plough,” He’ll put his hand on my shoulder and squeeze it reassuringly, “But so is so much of the human race!”
I always raise a brow at him like he’s insane. Initially, I meant it, now it’s just habit.
We’ll sit down at a bench, usually at his request. He’ll be sat there for ten minutes all calm and serene but by this time I’m usually ready to get up and walk some more, but he remains seated, and I ponder how he can sit still in the same spot for so long! Especially when he does it in the winter, or in early spring when it’s still cold as fuck, excuse my French.
“It’s a bit cold.” I’ll remark and start rummaging in my pocket for my gloves.
“Take note of the male Blackbird to the right of us, but be subtle about it.” He tells me eagerly.
I shift my eyes to the right, and there is Mr Blackbird perched precariously on a branch.
“Now take note of Mrs Blackbird ahead of us, a worm in its beak.”
I look ahead at the grassy verge, and Mrs Blackbird has a worm wriggling in its beak. I’d wonder to myself what relevance it had to anything. But, he’d just remain silent and just scanning the scene like he always does. I try to watch his gaze, but he can be very subtle about where he’s really looking. A woman with is pushing a pram with one hand while holding a phone to her ear with the other, and a kid running ahead of her. Occasionally she stops in her tracks, gesturing with her hands to some guy called Gary on the phone, who is, ‘pecking er ‘ead man!” Their obliviousness to those that surrounded them sent both Mrs and Mr Blackbird flying away, to which Blake turns to me and says, “Bird plough.”
I roll my eyes, “You can hardly blame her!” I shook my head, “A kid running lose, a baby and someone on the phone!”
He smiles, “So what’s your excuse?”
Bloody git he is! But he’s my git, and though I roll my eyes at him nearly every minute of every day. He can be mildly irritating, but isn’t everyone? Plus there is a side to him only I actually see, though it’s not a happy sight I’m afraid. See the thing about Blake is, he has the most intense bouts of depression I’ve ever seen. He deals with it by using humour and watching the birds.
I’m just saying all this because, well, I’m about to marry him and well, I guess I must really love him! Because I’m currently dressed as a flamingo. Yes, I didn’t take it seriously when he said to me, “Wouldn’t it be surreal to get married dressed as ostriches or flamingos?”
I said it would be surreal and laughed. But now here I am, and I’m still marrying the bleeding git!
Depression
“It’s cloudy out.”
She looks at me puzzled, “Blue skies.”
“They’re all lies.”
“There isn’t a cloud in sight.” She remarks with a frown.
“No. It’s the ones you can’t see that are sure to make us drown.”
“Are you trying to bring everyone down?”
“No.”
“But you’re so,” She swats a fly away, “Depressing.”
“Yes. I know. Everything reminds me that I’m depressed.”
“Well look the other way.”
“I do. I see through the illusion
I’m afraid I haven’t been blessed
With delusion.
At best I’ve been christened with holy water
But we all know that’s next to useless.”
Letting go….
Letting feelings
come and go
as they please
no fighting
just, sitting
listening
turmoil, turbulence
even so, I’m tethered to existence
if I just let the feelings flow
maybe they’ll just…. go?
Beauty & the beast
For all I’ve done
I see the monster I’ve become
And in the speed of light
I’m struck dumb
Nowhere to go
Just a beast
In human clothes
The scales upon my back
Sharpened anticipating attack
Claws dig down
Finding roots to cling to
As I froth at the mouth
Taking a bite from rotten apples
Maggots abound
Eyes black shielding a soul behind
But there’s an ocean inside
Trying to figure out
What it is to be human
I observe them all
And even I
Always fall in love with someone
I shroud my face
And take a dagger to my heart
In beauty I have no place
So I’ll stand apart
© SilverbackGorilla Poetry.
2015
