Meditation diaries: On ‘rewilding’ the ecosystem and disability.

I’m here again with questions no one wants/ is willing to answer, hell I don’t think people are willing to even consider the questions.

I understand the fear of asking them.

But I ask again, as I did in a previous post  

From my point of view, I can’t see myself existing in the ‘rewilding’ vision of the world.

But I also can see the logic to it, the idea that we stop interfering with everything and just let it be.

But of course we’re like any other animal on this planet and our existence as much as it relies on every other creature, it also interferes. To think we can somehow no longer interfere in nature is to say we no longer exist as a species.

But again I’m nitpicking the language and the illusion of our separation from nature and that isn’t really the topic I’m supposed to be going on about.

What I want to ramble about is these ideas in my head that I’m struggling to align with how I live my life.

Having come across more and more information,  with suggestions about how we can halt, slow down, or in some optimistic circles even reverse the decline of wildlife I’ve begun to feel more and more uneasy.

The more I read, listen to and watch on this subject the more I see myself falling behind, becoming non-existent.

Moving further and further away from the idea I should even have continued to exist in the first place.

I can’t see a place for me in this world where I’d be able to fit in.

I’ve spent much of my life not fitting in.

But this is fundamentally different.  I see myself no longer fitting in with the very existence of nature. What I mean by that is that while I am by nature of existing a part of nature, it feels as if I’ll have to become a part of history.

Because my survival seems to depend very much on too many things that are ultimately, within an accumulation of other things, damaging to the planet.

The very thing that I feel gives me some semblance of little wellbeing I seem to have, and stability, it feels, should/would/will be taken away from me.

How can I continue my hobby of watching and photographing wildlife in good conscience?

Using a car (driven by someone else, I don’t drive), then a powerchair and then a camera. All these things, my camera especially, being things I love… Yet a part of me can’t help but see them as…indirect weapons of destruction.

Writing this blog on a laptop also comes with similar questions. I can I continue to use all this power knowing I’m just helping destruct? Yet with my social problems, being online is one of the main sources of anything social I have and to some extent want to have!

The people I talk to within the week are all support workers.

It feels like everything I do on a daily basis is just destruction.

And to go to nature reserves to see wildlife seems…odd to me these days as much as I still enjoy it. Because who am I to say nature reserves should be kitted out with wheelchair friendly paths? I know why emotionally, “Because it’s fair and disabled people have lives too,” But logically, coldly, who am I really to say? Surely ‘rewilding’ and disability (specifically mobility problems) can’t go together?

Depression

“It’s cloudy out.”
She looks at me puzzled, “Blue skies.”
“They’re all lies.”
“There isn’t a cloud in sight.” She remarks with a frown.
“No. It’s the ones you can’t see that are sure to make us drown.”
“Are you trying to bring everyone down?”
“No.”
“But you’re so,” She swats a fly away, “Depressing.”
“Yes. I know. Everything reminds me that I’m depressed.”
“Well look the other way.”
“I do. I see through the illusion
I’m afraid I haven’t been blessed
With delusion.
At best I’ve been christened with holy water
But we all know that’s next to useless.”