You always were able to draw the monster in me
a perfect portrait of him
lines drawn
crossing me out
so I’d become your creation
Made in your image
mental health
The machine
I can’t bend into the shapes
the machine wants me to be
and I’m always coming back to this place
a conclusion
I am not strong enough
for the world, I am in
All the equations add up to this
ever trapped in what and who I am
and between what the world wants to see
the things reflected back to me
the reflections of all the types of men
I ought to be
Meditation teaches us to breathe and be
but breathing is the least of your worries
when you’re feeling like me
and I can only really breathe
when I’m safe from change and stress
so really I learn nothing
and all of this is just a waste of breath
I often wonder what relief it would have been
to have been left to die when I was a baby
instead of still learning how to fucking breathe.
I see the world ahead of me
and I don’t want to be a part of it
but the machine wants me
Sunday Wordle: Break apart
Do you still decry my heart
after all these years
since you watched me fall?
And in your tunnel vision
do you sense
I’m still married to the squall?
do you scry the skies
and see
A little boy who didn’t want to mend
fallen into manhood
trying to break apart
peacefully piece by piece?
In the hopes that in my nothingness
peace could be contained
in all the scattered shards of me
Lyrics: Can’t breathe
Sometimes when I can’t quite figure out how to write an idea I get my guitar and play it (badly) and often the strumming brings words out and I will sing (extremely badly) any thoughts that come out of my head.
No I can’t really write music, I just strum a long and see what flows. My guitar playing is…. bad. So I don’t have music to this, and no, I really, really, can’t sing! So it will have to remain written only.
This anxiety has filled my lungs with the sea
I can’t breathe
And I’m supposed to make a recovery
but when I leap up to the surface
I can’t breathe
A fish out of water
in society
And all the people
talk about the likes of me
‘what and who should they be?
I love freedom
look at me
but lock him up
he’s a freak.’
And this anxiety
has filled my lungs with the sea
I can’t breathe
I leap to the surface
a fish out of water in society
and I can’t breathe.
‘We should open up the circus
he can be an orca in a tank
bang your hands and feet against the glass
provoke him and you’ll see
he will seethe
and that will confirm our beliefs
And this anxiety has filled my lungs with the sea
And I can’t breathe
And I’ve got to make a recovery
in this fucked up society
and I can’t breathe
Too human
You’ve got to be super sane
to fight for the rights of your people
Because if you don’t act like a ducks back
if you let them see the slightest crack
they will shake their fists
‘see this is why we can’t talk to the likes of you,
you’re too emotional
mentally ill.’
So I guess we’re supposed to be robots
but then haven’t you heard of the uncanny valley?
we’d still be too human for you!
And that is the crux of the issue
Fools rags
Our sanity is all the fucking fashion
gotta be the good one so they’ll listen
Don’t quite shift the status quo
and they might just leave you alone.
Our sanity is all the fashion
Must put on my best mask
mustn’t break, must learn to be a ducks back
Must be Sisyphus rolling that boulder there and back
forever and ever
musn’t fucking break.
Gotta be always fucking sane
be a good one to wipe the extremes away
because they only believe the headlines
that’s what they bring up in the head lights
when you shine them on their eyes
you try to argue your case
they twist your words
and squirm away
‘look at the headlines!’ they say
Because man bites dog is common in their eyes
they’ve seen it in black and white
they know more than you or I
it was in the fools rags
man bites dog, it happens everyday.
A freak: Warning lots of F words.
Don’t say you weren’t warned.
I’m a freak
A fucking freak
if only I could own it
I’m a freak
A fucking freak
A fucking pretender
an agitator
A fucking freak
trying to be normal
A fucking freak
Is that a bad thing?
I don’t know
I’m a fucking freak
But they call me a fucking sheep
I’m an alligator
A fucking agitator
A pretender
A fucking freak
I’m an accumulation of freakish things
A caricature of society
A reflection of mans insanity.
Unsolicited opinions on medication.
Why is that when you’re on anti-depressants and you’re talking to someone about it, it’s so common for people to say,
‘I’m not a fan, but if you need them then take them.’
Why do they feel it necessary and important to let you know they’re not a fan? Would they do that for any other medication?
‘Oh you’re on a heart meds? I’m not a fan, but if you need to take them, take them.’
Imagine if someone said that?
Wouldn’t that be a stupid thing to say? ‘I’m not a fan’ not a fan? Of what? heart meds? that keep someone alive?
Yet no one blinks an eye when people say this about anti-depressants, in fact it seems to me it’s encouraged.
Numb NaPoWriMo poem 25
Our gaunt faces leave us behind
Irises reflecting goodbye
The speed of life dilating eyes
a blank space where sparks should alight
tired and harried by all this accumulation of sight
Yearning something simple
but nothing yet to delight
A numbness setting into the lungs
Revolving door NaPoWriMo poem 24
Haunted minds
and a revolving door
inside and out
to smoke
And in this smog
we birthed
A song
That couldn’t be heard
and this is our pain
all lines blurred
no one to listen to us go
no one to see our scream
as we fall
Into another nightmares dream
silverbackgorillapoetry.com 