Rewritten: Birds of wisdom

At the crack of dawn, he always wakes me up! “Look, Blake, I don’t want to wake up with Dawn’s arse crack in my face!” that’s how I sometimes respond, referring to the earliness of the hour. Bloody Dawn, she orchestrates a choir much too early for me come spring! But no, not for Blake. He’s up and ready, shaking me in the bed like, “Wakey, wakey! Rise and shine!” He opens the curtains revealing Dawn’s crack.
“It’s the best time to see all that life!” he beams and kisses me on the forehead. He’ll insist on going for a walk, he loves walking. But, let me make one thing clear about Blake, he walks like he’s floating. I don’t know what he does, but it’s like the land responds to his quiet step, and he tames it. The wildlife responds much the same way, for example, squirrels don’t chatter nervously and shake their bushy tails ready to pounce and run off up the trees. No, it’s like as Blake approaches the squirrel somehow knows, ‘he’s not threat to me, he’s a dear friend.’ The birds know it too, they don’t go off in a sudden flurry of flight. Sometimes he’s stopped walking, and I have continued on in my own world only to find him missing from my side when I turn around he’s stood there shaking his head and laughing at my ignorance.
“You had the chance to see so much life!” He’ll say walking or floating as he does towards me, “You’re what I call a bird plough,” He’ll put his hand on my shoulder and squeeze it reassuringly, “But so is so much of the human race!”
I always raise a brow at him like he’s insane. Initially, I meant it, now it’s just habit.

We’ll sit down at a bench, usually at his request. He’ll be sat there for ten minutes all calm and serene but by this time I’m usually ready to get up and walk some more, but he remains seated, and I ponder how he can sit still in the same spot for so long! Especially when he does it in the winter, or in early spring when it’s still cold as fuck, excuse my French.
“It’s a bit cold.” I’ll remark and start rummaging in my pocket for my gloves.
“Take note of the male Blackbird to the right of us, but be subtle about it.” He tells me eagerly.
I shift my eyes to the right, and there is Mr Blackbird perched precariously on a branch.
“Now take note of Mrs Blackbird ahead of us, a worm in its beak.”
I look ahead at the grassy verge, and Mrs Blackbird has a worm wriggling in its beak. I’d wonder to myself what relevance it had to anything. But, he’d just remain silent and just scanning the scene like he always does. I try to watch his gaze, but he can be very subtle about where he’s really looking. A woman with is pushing a pram with one hand while holding a phone to her ear with the other, and a kid running ahead of her. Occasionally she stops in her tracks, gesturing with her hands to some guy called Gary on the phone, who is, ‘pecking er ‘ead man!”  Their obliviousness to those that surrounded them sent both Mrs and Mr Blackbird flying away, to which Blake turns to me and says, “Bird plough.”
I roll my eyes, “You can hardly blame her!” I shook my head, “A kid running lose, a baby and someone on the phone!”
He smiles, “So what’s your excuse?”
Bloody git he is! But he’s my git, and though I roll my eyes at him nearly every minute of every day. He can be mildly irritating, but isn’t everyone? Plus there is a side to him only I actually see, though it’s not a happy sight I’m afraid. See the thing about Blake is, he has the most intense bouts of depression I’ve ever seen. He deals with it by using humour and watching the birds.
I’m just saying all this because, well, I’m about to marry him and well, I guess I must really love him! Because I’m currently dressed as a flamingo. Yes, I didn’t take it seriously when he said to me, “Wouldn’t it be surreal to get married dressed as ostriches or flamingos?”
I said it would be surreal and laughed. But now here I am, and I’m still marrying the bleeding git!

Born a genius

By a stroke of luck
I was born with a light bulb above my head
So they knew I was a genius
Right from the start
The doctors slapped my bum
And said “Ya’ve got a genius boy, just look at his light bulb!”

I came shooting out the womb
Talking and walking
I didn’t cry
I simply greeted the doctor like this
“Why hello dear Doctor, please clean me up, I look a right fuckin’ mess”
Imagine his surprise at my French?!

Look ya best, lads

look ya best

Ya need a little zest
Put on ya hair gel
And thermal vest
Button up ya shirt
Make sure to look ya best!
Put on ya dancing shoes
Remember we’re only guests
We’re nothing important
So why get stressed?

Roll up ya sleeves and fight it out
Nothing to see, just a little fallout
When ya get arrested ya best friend will bail ya out
And when ya fucking the girl next door
Over the garden fence, he’ll be ya look out

That’s it lads, stand proud
What are we even worrying about
We’re nothing special
Nothing to shout about
God forbid you forgot to pullout
Now got one in the oven
Well done, ya bleeding boy scout!

Ya need a little zest
Put on ya best
Smile for the cameras
Pretend like ya feel blessed
Turn ya frown upside down
A change is as good as a rest!

Dupe yaself into passion
Let me see it in ya eyes
Diamonds in ya eyes are all the fashion
So come on
Get a little zest
Start by looking ya fuckin’ best!

© 2016 June

Pick up ya dog shit

Dog shit
It fuckin’ stinks
So why do you
Make me roll in it!
Ya fuckin’ prick!

Get ya shit bag
And fill it!
Ya prick!
Some of us got baskets of milk
Takin’ it home
So I can make porridge!

But ya’ve gone and left ya dog shit
Right in middle
Of fuckin’ path
I tried to get around it
Couldn’t cross the fuckin’ road!
Curb was too damn high!
I was stuck!
Trying to swereve round it

Pick up ya dog shit
Ya fuckin’ prick.

(C) 2016 Jan

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Heart First

I’ve been romancing honey
Jacks tennesee gal
I shouldn’t do
Not with this checkered heart of mine

Jack knows my heart
He’s a friend like that
Says I need a change of clothes
My heart looks like a lesbian
In these checkered rags

So i’ve suited up this old heart
Tie an all, cover the bullet hole
Thats what I tell ’em anyway
“I surived the bullet, ma’am
I’m tough and ‘ard me, like!”

I don’t tell them I
Fell heart first
Over heels

(c) 2016 Feb

May I urinate along with the correct genitals in the stall next to me

The title ^^^ that’s how stupid some of you sound.

 

I used a unisex toilet

imagine my embarrassment

when I learnt

it doesn’t mean I can rape the women….

 

(taking the piss out of people getting bent out of shape over unisex toilets in certain states of America)

people so bent out of shape about what gentials the urine is coming out of in the next stall makes me laugh at you humans so much. Just take a piss and be done with it. Jesus fucking Christ. And most men are not going to go in there with the hopes of raping women. And for the love of God, most men aren’t gonna dress as women just to take advantage of women and children. And for fuck sake you’ve been sharing bathrooms with trans people for a long time. The only difference is some people have decided to make it all a big deal on the left, that trans people use toilets, and the right have reacted with their usual rhetoric. Both sides are a barrel of laughs. I’m so glad I’m not a human…..