humour

In(s)ane enquiries that turn into in(s)ane ramblings

Matt1 Comment

Hello, firstly I’d like to compliment your annual publication received by us tenants. It has the kind of smell I enjoy from reading material. May I ask what paper & ink combination you use for such a scent?
I am fully aware not many people will admit to being page sniffing connoisseurs, and so this question may seem strange, but I figured we all gotta live sometimes, right? Some of my friends go skydiving and boring things like that. I suppose if we could combine sniffing books and other reading material with skydiving maybe I’d give it a go. But I presume when falling from such a height and your face is flapping in the wind that the laws of physics would have it so you couldn’t smell much anyway.

As for the building and the flat I live in I have no major complaints. I guess one issue would be a preference for more soundproofing so that the neighbours can’t hear me maniacally laughing and crying simultaneously. All my neighbours roll their eyes at such occurrences in the knowledge I’ve seen myself in the mirror again, I know they roll their eyes because I keep catching them as they roll under my door. I have since put a draft excluder at my door to prevent them getting under, it seems to do the trick. It’s ironic though as if there were a war I still wouldn’t need a draft excluder because I’d be excluded from the draft because of my mental instability anyway.

Yours faithfully
Matt

P.S Please get back to me about the ink & paper combination.

Inane or insane: General enquiries that turn into in(s)ane ramblings.

MattLeave a comment

Hello, I was just wondering if it’s possible to change from printed subscription to digital subscriptions only? Also are your magazines recyclable? I ask because I wish to recycle old issues as I’m conscious of space. Though they might make some money on a 4D antique show when I’m long, long dead after a long lost celebrity ‘cousin’  happens to end up on ‘who do you think you are?’ and looks into my sad little life and finds my magazines, I don’t really care for making fortunes or for hoarding for the time being either. I duly hope that they are recyclable (This is a lie my hope for it being recycliable is not to appropiate levels at all, it’s bordering insane. Insane needs to sort it’s borders out so that us sane folk can’t get in) after all, your publication is about the natural world, and I like to think you care enough to make those glossy pages of birds with their bright breasts as environmentally friendly as possible.

Yours faithfully (Thats a lie, I don’t do faith. I’m an extremely paranoid person. Please don’t blacklist me)
Matt.

Sunday Wordle: Dave

Matt6 Comments

He’s drunk on the sly
He snatches another bite
Too many fermented apples
Don’t tell his wife, she thinks she’s the only apple of his eyes
She don’t know he’s not fit to fly
She’ll have a fit when she finds out
He’ll have spun ‘er a yarn or two
But that’s just like our Dave
The sheer cheek of ‘im
I love ‘im all the same.

Humour

Matt1 Comment

I have possibly posted this before. I admit here openly this is not a poem written today, but was written last year. I’m struggling at the moment to write a poem every single day of April. I’ve tried prompt words, nothing is coming. I’m creatively constipated. So I figured I’d find an old one.

Hearts transparent in the crevices of our smiles
Those who know what to look for
Always find
The sorrow lurking behind
The laughter in their eyes
Humour is a bridge
Over sorrow
Transcending us through the waves
Frothing grievously at our feet
Trying to drown us whole
We laugh at the stench of our morality
Becoming clowns in our own rights
Casting illusions over doubt

Dressed half smart

MattLeave a comment

I like to look alright
On the night
Quite spiffy, if ya don’t mind
I’m dressed to kill
At least from the waist up
Don’t look down
Things ain’t too shabby
In that part of town
So just look at me shirt pocket
With pens straticgicaly placed
With clip on the outside
It makes me look all business or doctor like
These button downs change the mind!
Now I’m nothing if not punctual
Ya might not even notice I’m dysfunctional

The Tiny Gynecologist

Matt1 Comment

“Mrs Ashton,” a small male voice queried.
Mrs Ashton looked around looking rather weary, “who speaks?”
She asked nervously
“Dr Perez.” He answered
“Where are you asking from?” She asked with a frown
“I’m here, just look down.”
Mrs Ashton lowered her chin, did a double take
To see Dr Perez standing at her toe with a grin.
“You’re….” she stifled a scream, “you’re Dr Perez?”
“Yes, follow me.”
She considered turning round and walking straight out
But she followed anyway despite her doubt
“Okay, just lie down over there.” He pointed to a bed.
She lay down and placed her ankles on the stirrups
“I must admit, I’ve never been more nervous,” she tried a little laugh
But the little man had already gone under her gown
And with a little giggle he was acting the clown
“I love this job.” He beamed, “gigantic vaginas,” he guffawed
“Excuse me!” Mrs Ashton exclaimed.
“It’s okay, just a little humour, no need to be be ashamed!”
Holding her vagina open with a speculum
He shone his torch down and shouted, “hello,” and then repeated the word, “hello, hello, hello,” His voice getting quieter with each hello to resemble an echo. He laughed and slapped his thighs, “I’ve always wanted to do that!”
Mrs Ashton began to get a bit fidgety, “stop that! Take your job seriously!” She hissed.
“I’m sorry love,” The little man said, “if you don’t mind me saying,” he began, trying to get into her good books again, “you’ve a lovely vagina.”
Mrs Ashton wasn’t sure how to respond, “um…” she suddenly smiled “thanks!”
“All looking very good down here,” he reported, “hello?” He began again with a little snigger, “hello, is anyone in there?” He shone his torch down once more and to his surprise a voice called back, Dr Perez stepped back, “Jesus, I didn’t fucking expect that!”