The savageness of being human

A contortion of years
Pass by on faces
For milliseconds at a time

Frankenstein’s skeletons within
Gargoyles screaming
Through the pores of our skin

Stories running through the wrinkles
Harbouring humour
Creasing at the thought of those we’ve lost

Skin sagging with the baggage
Being human
Consciousness a savage

Wreaking havoc
On our mammalian brains

Tying ourselves in knots

Tying ourselves in knots
with words
While trying to be inclusive
becoming more exclusive
The internet a reflection of autism
Too many ideas at once
All filters gone
becoming more confused
Stuck on one
One becomes none Because too much at once
One becomes millions
of one repeated in different words
till the linguistic game
evolves beyond this world
One becoming millions
that may as well be none
Because it’s all too much
to act upon.


*The use of the word ‘Autism’ is not meant in a derogatory way, merely an expression of recognition that what I see happening in the confusing chaos of the social media websites on the internet remind me of my own symptoms of Autism and how my thoughts can spin and spin, and spin and become stuck in cycles.
And the symptoms of too much information and stimulation at once, though it takes less than the amount we can find online to cause derailment of the mind, the symptoms of the derailment of conversations and peoples minds online mirrors my own experience with Autism with every day things and I notice it online all the time.

Language as a microscope

The human is a contortionist
Bending and folding into boxes
Dissecting the world into words
Trying to communicate to…
Who? no one really knows
We just do it because we do

And in our prisms
With ink spilled
With erroneous conclusions to come to
we share a shared unknowledge that we are not who we are
but some other

Becoming restless
We all conclude
We should go ‘back’
Whatever that means
As if we left somewhere

When we get back to nature
It is said
We will understand

To which I must ask
When do you claim we left
That to which we are intrinsically attached?
It’s the words we use that built these walls

Language, a microscope to help communicate
About the world
But we forgot to step back from the scope
And see we are within
all the things we point to ‘out there.’



The Dragons Tail


The waves crash
and things erode and clash
A fierce dragons tail
Eking out a living with every thrash
Ramshackle homes built upon the ash
All for man who was so brash
casting spells all upon the land
with words that shrouded kingdoms
A mixture of illusion & delusion

The vultures clean our words
In the morning when they get to work
Pecking away at the remains
Of our yesterdays

If not for them
We’d be in up to our knees
Wading through the aftermath
But when all is said and done
There will be a bigger backlash
For us as one

The dragons tail
that we can’t help but become.



Shame

I utter the word ‘hello,’
And reddened in the face
You look away
Hands in pockets
Lips a tight line
Containing a smirk
That’s for me, only mine

I know not what was said or done
But your embarrassment is palpable
I guess, I must be in the wrong
Later it will come to light
The tone of my voice wasn’t right
Or the way I stood or looked down
Or it was the way words sound
When coming out of my mouth

And the bashfulness on your face
Communicates to everyone
And like a virus it infects them all
Permeates the air
And I become
The cigarette end of jokes

And I, left in the ruins
Become the ash
Greyed and cemented
Into shame

Music is sadness

Music, apparently it has the power to make people feel emotions.
Happy, sad, angry, sentimental etc.

But for me it doesn’t matter if it’s a happy song or a sad song; it all sounds depressing to me.
Music either makes me sad or sentimental but never happy.

The happier the song often, the sadder I become.
Because it’s a sound so cut off from anything I’ve ever felt, it sounds to me like delusion and desperation rather than happy and fun times.
Happy songs seem like tears should always mark their endings.

Because that’s what music is to me, it’s audio wallpaper over changes.
I blame TV and films for this. You know those scenes where two characters say their goodbyes for the last time, and then the music plays as the camera shows one of them walking away, getting further and further away as the credits start to scroll over the screen.

Or the music plays as someone has an epiphany that will be good in the long run, but at that moment it’s tinged with sadness, goodbyes, change.

Music is a vehicle for emotion; it moves it through you, emphasizes feelings you already had but weren’t necessarily aware of.
For me, music is a chariot for my sadness, something I listen to when I need my sadness to have sound.

But otherwise, music is too overwhelming because my feelings even in the silence are already too much.
To put music on for me is like going full throttle, no breaks.
Speeding to the inevitable crash.

I blame myself.

It’s not secret on this blog that Depression takes me over a lot.

That my depression is a chronic reoccurring nightmare that not only tires me, but the people around me too.

Perhaps last year and still through to this year one major reason for such severe blips lately is the delayed impact of losing my best friend in January 2020 .

Yes she was ‘only a little budgie’ but she wasn’t ‘only a little budgie’ to me.

It didn’t help that I didn’t lose her in the usual way either. I lost her due to my own mistake, and that is something I find very hard to live with.

As it is I’m already a person prone to guilt, never mind a mistake where a little innocent life was ruined, or ended because of a mistake I made in the first place.

I had a dream last night that she came back home and then I lost he all over again, and throughout the whole dream I just kept hearing her calls but yet never finding where the calls were coming from.
And I’ve done that in real life too. I’ve heard calls I thought were her.
I’ve sat in the bathroom brushing my teeth and heard a call that sounded like it was coming from behind the extractor fan grid.
I’ve heard calls when walking out into the corridor from my flat.
I’ve heard calls I thought sounded like her when outside but it was probably just another bird that sounded a bit like her. Or maybe she sounded like them.

I see feathers from different birds that have been either moulted or stripped off from a predator and I always stop in my tracks and look more closely, looking for her blue colour in the feather.
Sometimes I see the blue colour and then I look around and say, ‘Charlie?’ As if the feather is hers and she’s somewhere close by.

But she’s never there. She’s never here.

Sometimes I look down at a feather for a bit too long, in the way of someone trying to get past me while keeping a distance.
I look and look, and look some more till I convince myself I see blue, her blue. And it’s hers.
But it isn’t.

Sometimes I look at the feather, look around and then say aloud, ‘I’m sorry, Charlie.’

It might have been a mistake, but I still blame myself.

It might not have been purposeful, but I still blame myself.

And I don’t know if there will ever come a time I won’t blame myself.

I have a budgie I ended up rescuing, he has learnt some funny phrases. And it makes me laugh.


But I still

Blame

Myself.