Meditation diaries: What Meditation is teaching me about my depression

I’ve tried talking therapies, just plain counselling none of which really worked on me. I was taught that the problem is thought patterns and thought loops that I get stuck into.

Meditation allows me to back away from the thought loops that can make depression harder to live with.

However, with meditation what it has taught me is that there is something much more to my despair than my thinking patterns. It’s worse than that. I feel despair without a thought, I can get to that mind space that is often called ‘the gap’ and all I feel within me is absaloute full to the brim of despair while simultaneously feeling empty. No thoughts to keep me there, just this feeling beyond words, beyond thoughts.

What i’m learning is that this is all hopeless.

I’m hopeless.

Anti-depressants don’t work much, therapy doesn’t work for me either and while meditation helps me to the degree that I can sit with the despair for longer rather than pacing, rather than ruminating I can sit with the despair with a sense of calm. Like i’m sat on a boat in the middle of a storm and there are surges of waves that are strong but I can just sit there as the wave cascade over me. But that has its limits, which I expect. Eventually it becomes more than I can take and all I can think is that I wish I could lay down and go to sleep and never wake up again.

I’m tired.

I don’t know why i’m Posting this other than to share my despair.

Which is ironic because I know how pointless everything is, including sharing this. Yet in this immediate moment this is what I feel like doing

 

I live in tyrannical state of mind

Why, I want to live on a secluded island
Away from everyone
So that I can feel lonely on my own
And scream “No one cares about my despair”
And not feel like an attention seeker
Because no one would be there to hear
And it’d take the burden away
Leaving me with these tyrants in my brain
Burning away at the scaffolding
Holding up my attempts at building
And I can be left within this ash and ruin
And maybe these tyrants would begin to tame
Without anymore buildings
To put up in flames

Negative shoes

This post and the comments that followed inspired this shit random off the cuff writing
I’ve put on some negative shoes
I can’t dance
So lift me out of the blues
These negative shoes
Don’t like my feet
They don’t like life
They admit defeat
My feet stink
My negative shoes

My negative shoes keep walking
Out on me
I’ve been looking for some positive shoes
But all shoes look like they’re smiling
So how’s a guy know
If they’re just upsidedown frowns?
I don’t know
But I keep gettin’ negative shoes
Standing in dog shit
Always is a hit
Trying to wash that shit
Out of the grooves
Is soul destroying
My shoes are destroying…..

me….