Meditation diaries: What Meditation is teaching me about my depression

I’ve tried talking therapies, just plain counselling none of which really worked on me. I was taught that the problem is thought patterns and thought loops that I get stuck into.

Meditation allows me to back away from the thought loops that can make depression harder to live with.

However, with meditation what it has taught me is that there is something much more to my despair than my thinking patterns. It’s worse than that. I feel despair without a thought, I can get to that mind space that is often called ‘the gap’ and all I feel within me is absaloute full to the brim of despair while simultaneously feeling empty. No thoughts to keep me there, just this feeling beyond words, beyond thoughts.

What i’m learning is that this is all hopeless.

I’m hopeless.

Anti-depressants don’t work much, therapy doesn’t work for me either and while meditation helps me to the degree that I can sit with the despair for longer rather than pacing, rather than ruminating I can sit with the despair with a sense of calm. Like i’m sat on a boat in the middle of a storm and there are surges of waves that are strong but I can just sit there as the wave cascade over me. But that has its limits, which I expect. Eventually it becomes more than I can take and all I can think is that I wish I could lay down and go to sleep and never wake up again.

I’m tired.

I don’t know why i’m Posting this other than to share my despair.

Which is ironic because I know how pointless everything is, including sharing this. Yet in this immediate moment this is what I feel like doing

 

5 thoughts on “Meditation diaries: What Meditation is teaching me about my depression

  1. inkbiotic April 26, 2019 / 7:07 pm

    I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I have no idea if this is helpful, but in case it might be…
    My experience of the ways you’re trying to deal with depression (ie meditation, anti-ds and therapy) is this:

    Meditation never stopped me feeling depressed, and wasn’t that effective when I felt low, but if I kept it up when i felt ok, then I fell into depression less often.

    Therapy was shit, even harmful, if the the therapist was shit (which most were) but effective if they knew what they were doing.

    Medication was a trial and error thing. I needed to try two or three before finding one that properly worked.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Matt Johnson April 26, 2019 / 9:43 pm

      Thanks for the comment and suggestions.

      I’ve suffered from depression for many, many years now. Tried quite a few anti depressants. It now gets labelled ‘treatment resistant depression’ on my medical records. So not sure what I can do really. I’m at a loss at the moment.

      Liked by 1 person

      • inkbiotic April 27, 2019 / 4:41 am

        Oh damn, that’s crap. I’m so sorry. If you ever need to talk, just let me know. Look after your self.

        Like

  2. tingsha April 29, 2019 / 12:01 pm

    I’m so sorry-it sounds like you’re having a pretty rough time.
    I don’t have any answers for you but just wanted to let you know you’re not alone.
    I really hope you find a way to take the edge off it-the only advice I have is to try and see things as small steps. In my experience it helps to make things seem less overwhelming.
    Sending happy vibes.

    Liked by 1 person

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