In this anger I have raged
Never to do that again
Burning fuses before the game
Incarcerating myself in guilt and shame
After the change
From hatreds summer to wilting
Walking back on moments
The irony of having fallen further behind
The redness of your cheeks as you blush
From the words you can’t, won’t say
Gives you away
As we take in this moment
Our fragility stronger than us
While the elephant
Sits at the periphery of this silence
The hush of the sea sounds like the worlds breath
Each breath a different shape
Each slotting together
like a jigsaw
Something I still don’t understand about living in the moment. Say you’re Angry at someone and your knee jerk reaction (a knee jerk reaction by definition requires no thinking)! is to slam that fucker in the face, aren’t you technically living in the moment, isn’t this a moment when smashing him in the face is the ultimate act of living in the moment?
I mean you aren’t thinking about it, you aren’t considering the consequences whether they be positive or negative, you’re literally living in the moment and letting your body react without thinking, your Fist is at his face before you even consider anything. Surely nothing quite encapsulates living in the moment than that? Yet obviously this is not the good thing to do, and so we teach ourselves not to.
So all this living in the moment stuff, isn’t it actually not living in the moment?
I’ve tried talking therapies, just plain counselling none of which really worked on me. I was taught that the problem is thought patterns and thought loops that I get stuck into.
Meditation allows me to back away from the thought loops that can make depression harder to live with.
However, with meditation what it has taught me is that there is something much more to my despair than my thinking patterns. It’s worse than that. I feel despair without a thought, I can get to that mind space that is often called ‘the gap’ and all I feel within me is absaloute full to the brim of despair while simultaneously feeling empty. No thoughts to keep me there, just this feeling beyond words, beyond thoughts.
What i’m learning is that this is all hopeless.
Anti-depressants don’t work much, therapy doesn’t work for me either and while meditation helps me to the degree that I can sit with the despair for longer rather than pacing, rather than ruminating I can sit with the despair with a sense of calm. Like i’m sat on a boat in the middle of a storm and there are surges of waves that are strong but I can just sit there as the wave cascade over me. But that has its limits, which I expect. Eventually it becomes more than I can take and all I can think is that I wish I could lay down and go to sleep and never wake up again.
I don’t know why i’m Posting this other than to share my despair.
Which is ironic because I know how pointless everything is, including sharing this. Yet in this immediate moment this is what I feel like doing
Worlds folded into words
Evolving into something
That even the man at one with pen
A Gargoyle within
Nesting under the skin
Becoming you, becoming this
Everything you ought not to be
Caught inside a scream
Like bats from a cave
All the illusions fall away
From the words you crave
To explain your demons away