Who you tryin’ to kid anyway
You’re just a man, on the fray
Falling at the seams
Collecting the shards of all your broken dreams
Sharp enough to cut your wrists
You’ve got desperation in your eyes
It’s in your reflection
Who you despise
You want to be someone else
Who you are, makes you unwell
You’re dying but you figure
Everyone else is dying too
So what does it matter
If you linger
Isn’t that what everyone else is doing anyway?
Trying to go with the flow
In ways in which
Heavy hearts seldom float
Watching a bird take off
A reminder life carries on
And the radio plays
As if there isn’t silence beneath
When Depression has got it’s grip on you, every little thing you should do, need to do feels like a chore.
Every damn thing.
There is so much resistance, sickening resistance within, to do anything.
Forget the analogy of drowning in water.
It’s like wading through treacle.
The other day I felt so oddly calm. It may have been lack of motivation to care about anything. I don’t know.
But it was certainly calm. I even started writing up about ‘calmness’ only to find I was too calm to continue typing it up. I realise I had nothing much to say other than, “wow i feel so oddly relaxed considering how agitated and desperate I became just a few days earlier.”
Well, that calmness has gone.
I’m agitated and irritated by every little thing, even things that would normally have at least a minimal soothing effect.
Ear defenders to have some semblance of silence after I felt that noise was irritating me, only to find the ear defenders started to irritate me and then the silence started to irritate me. And then when I took them off I was irritated all over again at the feel of my ears getting used to not being covered again. Then I was irritated by the noises again.
I paced a bit. Came back in. Was instantly irritated by being back in my flat.
Tried talking to someone, not about this topic just about anything to distract myself. Felt irritated with the conversation. Realised halfway through talking I couldn’t really be bothered with it and so said those things you’re expected to say, “So i’m going back to my flat now, see you tomorrow,” All that stuff. Went back to my flat.
Still agitated.
The voices on the radio, music, knowing certain people exist in the world, my own existence, the frailty of life, the lack of any meaning to it despite all the fucking suffering, agitation and angst.
Which is like a slap in the face. Why bother with all these emotions when it’s all so pathetically ‘accidental’ and meaningless?
Yet still, my biology feels the way it feels. We like to try and forget that our biology dictates a lot of how we feel.
And that is just another slap in the face, my brain, my body keeps sending all these hormonal signals and neurons into a frenzied attack of making me want to scream all the while knowing I’ll be irritated by my own fucking screaming.
Everyone’s feelings and attitudes absorbed by me (or so I perceive) and all I want to do is push it all away. Keep away from me with your feelings and your baggage is what I want to scream at people. KEEP THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!
And then in the silence and in being alone, I realise I can’t cope with my own baggage either. At this point my baggage is so messy it’s not even funny. The bag is bulging to the brim of messed up shit, a lot that makes no sense. And I can’t seem to tease anything apart into breakable, edible pieces.
I think of a song I might want to listen to because a lyric comes to mind then I realise, no I don’t wanna hear any fucking sound. Even if it is one of my favourite bands.
The sun shining is provoking me, poking my agitation with its rays, “Here I am. A complete contrast to how you feel. Ah just soak me up.” And for a moment I think, “Maybe soaking you up will help?” After all sunlight is good for us, isn’t it?
But I’m resentful of the sun shining right now in this moment. I’m resentful that humans as a species made it so the sun is a symbol of happiness. Because I can’t connect to that word, or that feeling and never have been truly able to.
I think it’s a thing that doesn’t exist. Not in the way it’s sold.
But despite knowing this, I feel I’m perpetually mourning the ideals of ‘happiness’ we’ve been sold.
When I was amazingly calm the other day I remember feeling like I’d let go of everything, because everything just was and everything just is. I wasn’t particularly happy, in fact what I was somewhat feeling could have been described as sad. But I’d somehow for the day managed to let go of any expectations and of other stuff I can’t quite put my finger on, and so any feelings were just…well they didn’t have much weight to them.
What puts the weight back into them? I don’t know how my feelings gained weight again. I just know they did. And now they’re obese again with pressure and the heart is working harder to keep from losing itself.
I can no longer tell.
Or I never was able to tell…
I know I’ve had this confusion before because of someone else, but that makes me wonder it even more. The fact I’ve felt this before with someone else makes me think maybe I keep coming across narcissists and becoming part of their narcissistic supply because I’m the narcissist projecting onto them.
The fact I have no…
There is nothing I can do or say to explain the things that have been done, said makes it all seem fake.
Out of context a lot of things sound petty.
I don’t know if I’m the narcissist anymore.
And if I am how I can be a better person.
I’m here again with questions no one wants/ is willing to answer, hell I don’t think people are willing to even consider the questions.
I understand the fear of asking them.
But I ask again, as I did in a previous post
From my point of view, I can’t see myself existing in the ‘rewilding’ vision of the world.
But I also can see the logic to it, the idea that we stop interfering with everything and just let it be.
But of course we’re like any other animal on this planet and our existence as much as it relies on every other creature, it also interferes. To think we can somehow no longer interfere in nature is to say we no longer exist as a species.
But again I’m nitpicking the language and the illusion of our separation from nature and that isn’t really the topic I’m supposed to be going on about.
What I want to ramble about is these ideas in my head that I’m struggling to align with how I live my life.
Having come across more and more information, with suggestions about how we can halt, slow down, or in some optimistic circles even reverse the decline of wildlife I’ve begun to feel more and more uneasy.
The more I read, listen to and watch on this subject the more I see myself falling behind, becoming non-existent.
Moving further and further away from the idea I should even have continued to exist in the first place.
I can’t see a place for me in this world where I’d be able to fit in.
I’ve spent much of my life not fitting in.
But this is fundamentally different. I see myself no longer fitting in with the very existence of nature. What I mean by that is that while I am by nature of existing a part of nature, it feels as if I’ll have to become a part of history.
Because my survival seems to depend very much on too many things that are ultimately, within an accumulation of other things, damaging to the planet.
The very thing that I feel gives me some semblance of little wellbeing I seem to have, and stability, it feels, should/would/will be taken away from me.
How can I continue my hobby of watching and photographing wildlife in good conscience?
Using a car (driven by someone else, I don’t drive), then a powerchair and then a camera. All these things, my camera especially, being things I love… Yet a part of me can’t help but see them as…indirect weapons of destruction.
Writing this blog on a laptop also comes with similar questions. I can I continue to use all this power knowing I’m just helping destruct? Yet with my social problems, being online is one of the main sources of anything social I have and to some extent want to have!
The people I talk to within the week are all support workers.
It feels like everything I do on a daily basis is just destruction.
And to go to nature reserves to see wildlife seems…odd to me these days as much as I still enjoy it. Because who am I to say nature reserves should be kitted out with wheelchair friendly paths? I know why emotionally, “Because it’s fair and disabled people have lives too,” But logically, coldly, who am I really to say? Surely ‘rewilding’ and disability (specifically mobility problems) can’t go together?
