Throwback Thursday: Twisted love

Written in 2015

The original:

Your kiss like a blade upon my skin
Naked before you, you delve deeper into my wounds
I don’t know if this is love or hate
But I can’t seem to walk away
I know I should run
But your eyes cut me down to size
I’m not big enough to take the road
I’m just a scared boy inside
Waging a war behind elusive eyes
And your ice cold kiss lays me down for the night
In my ice cold tomb where a soldier lost his fight
And your finger tips like knives
Cut across my skin
Full of sex and full of life
And your ice blue eyes are the only thing keeping me cold at night
This frost is a lesson learnt
And upon a body of curves I trace your skin
Like it’s a map of life
We hold on tight, waiting, hoping, wanting
For a fire to ignite.

Written 2018
Edited version:

Your kiss like a blade upon my skin
Naked before you, I stand betrayed
Cigarettes burning us to ash
I know I should run
But I’m just a scared boy inside
Waging war behind these eyes
Your ice cold kiss lays me down for the night
In my ice cold tomb where a soldier lost his fight
And your finger tips like knives
Cut my skin
And upon a body of curves I trace your skin
Like it’s a map of life
Holding on tight, waiting, hoping, wanting
For a fire to ignite.

Which one is better? Original or Edited?

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3 thoughts on “Throwback Thursday: Twisted love

      • Paul F. Lenzi May 11, 2018 / 4:30 am

        it tells me more – gives more detail – in my own writing and editing, I’ve found that the original version is usually what I settle on

        Like

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