Forlorn in fog
Must i muster a beam or two
to save you?
Well, I am short on keepers
So…
I suppose…
Listen…
By the by
I’ve seen men such as you
hermit crabs with abandoned faces
And spiral upon spiral staircases
behind concave eyes
Leading to God knows where
It certainly isn’t heaven
Wherever it is i’m afraid we’ll lose you there
So bring your hollowed self
And rock up with me
And please, call me Whiskey,
Thats lighthouse humour, you see.
Inspired by W3 prompt

Brilliant piece Matt I like how you manage to make a lighthouse keeper, a traditionally lonely figure, look at someone else and say, ‘You’re the one lost.’ – very atmospheric 🙌
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Clever piece Matt, great imagery of shared emptiness… 💞
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Matt, I hope my exhaustion doesn’t come through too heavily. I’ll try to do justice to your work.
I liked the way you bring in character and humour: “call me Whiskey” was always going to land well with a whisky drinker.
There’s a strong voice running through the poem, and the conversational tone stands out against the darker undercurrent. The image of “hermit crabs with abandoned faces” is particularly striking. I think I saw one in the mirror earlier.
There’s a lot here already, but I was left with a question: what happens if or when the speaker tries to save someone? Even a hint would extend the idea further and give it more force.
Thanks for such a distinctive response to the prompt.
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Thanks. I dont know. I was drawing a blank on the rescue element, still am. Tried cominh up wih something ti add in but ultmately hit a block.
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Matt, I don’t think you need to force a dramatic rescue into this. What you’ve got already points toward something more in keeping with the voice of the poem. It feels like Whiskey isn’t dragging anyone out of the water, but catching them before they drift too far – calling them back through voice and force of personality, or even the offer of a shared drink.
You’re right on the edge of rescue with “bring your hollowed self / and rock up with me.” If you stay with that – what actually happens next – you’ve got your rescue, or attempted rescue. It could be as simple as the speaker holding him there, cutting through the fog with a spoken line that hooks, enough to make him pause, turn, and not go where he was heading.
Think of a real-life situation: you’re walking across a bridge, on your way home with a bottle of whisky, and you come across someone about to jump. What do you say to make him pause – even for a moment? Just enough to engage and buy time.
You don’t need spectacle. The voice you’ve created is already doing the work. Let it carry that final shift.
Hope that helps,
Dennis
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Matt, I really like “hermit crabs with abandoned faces” it paints such a clear, odd picture in my mind. The last line about “lighthouse humour” made me smile a little.
~David
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🤗
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Nicely done Matt!
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Love this image:”spiral upon spiral staircasesbehind concave eyes”I need clear eyes and a clear head these days. Nice one Matt 👏
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