The rivers of time have etched a new notch upon the tread of my hearts butterfly flutter
His sapphire eyes I may never gaze upon again
within him I had anchored myself in seas unknown
And now I am unmoored
Adrift
And I hate the seasons of nature
How they change and the gordion knot of life and death
how it cannot be untangled. Tamed.
Yet, we humans try
Binding ourselves to faith or medicine or both
without a thought to the contradiction.

I want to roll down the blinds
and turn away
to never gaze upon lifes deceit of rich and ripe pickings
to never see the sun rise
feel its heat on my skin, as if that too isn’t a thing that will die.

And, yes, all this, may well be a flare for the dramatic.
And I wish I could be more happy go lucky
But it doesnt feel worth it, to laugh in the face of how life and death always marks us.
Why should I laugh, or even weep
Why should I act as though anything really is that deep?
Yet its deep in my stomach
the pinching of something
I grew attatched
and the price I pay is this
A tear shed
A part of me broken.

I feel too deeply
it scares me.
What the hell will I do, when something bigger happens, when goodbyes come or dont
how can I live knowing the magnitude of the tides I contain?
Sometimes, sometimes I look up at the sky and feel so small
and think, all these things I feel are too vast
death would be a relief
and I sink into it.